Denial

Chapter Thirteen: Self Doubt

Quincy

There must be something wrong with me. Why else would guys repeatedly leave me after getting me in bed? It's happened every single time since I lost my virginity, and that, I have to admit, was quite a few guys ago.

I was pacing back and forth across my entire apartment, so lost in my own thoughts about how pathetic I am that I almost didn't hear the knock on my door. Walking over to it, I pulled it open, not sure who to expect. It was Saturday night and Kevin wasn't here. And I was almost positive that Reed wasn't coming back, not after the way he left me earlier. Although I secretly wished it was him, just so I knew there was a chance I could keep a boyfriend.

Instead of Reed, though, his roommate stood on the other side of my door. He looked worried.

"Matt? What's going on?"

"Are you okay, Quincy? You look like shit."

I wasn't sure if Reed had told Matt that we were dating, for as brief as a period as it was. He probably didn't, knowing Reed's communication skills. I didn't just want to tell him Reed's business, even though Matt was my friend too.

"You can say I had a rough day." I took a step back, opening the door further. "Come in."

"Is Reed here?" Matt asked, walking in.

I paused as soon as the door clicked shut behind me. "No. Why?" Did Reed actually tell him? Did that mean he didn't go back to his dorm after leaving here? Or has Matt not been back to their room recently?

He smirked, taking a seat at the table, facing me. "Didn't he ask you out? He mentioned this morning he was going to see you today."

"Oh, he saw me."

The smirk on his face fell. "Something happened between you two. What was it?"

Taking a deep breath, I sat down in the chair across the table from Matt. "Is there something wrong with me?" I asked instead of answering.

He looked confused. "What do you mean?"

I shook my head, looking down at my hands that I placed on the table. "There's got to be something wrong with me to be unable to keep a boyfriend. Am I just not good in bed?" I lifted my head up quickly. "Don't answer that!" He chuckled lightly, but I continued. "You're great and all, but I wouldn't ask you to test that because then I'd probably lose you too. Everyone always leaves."

"I'll always be here for you, Quincy. Wouldn't have sex with you, but I'll always be your friend."

"Yeah? And what about when we graduate? You're going to go off to wherever and I'm still going to be here. This is my home, my job is right around the corner. There's nowhere else for me to go. Everyone always leaves me eventually."

"You'll have people around. People that care about you."

"No," I said slowly as the truth of my words really sunk in. "Everyone I've ever cared about disappears. Not just after sex. Just everyone in my life has left me at some point. The only common factor in all of that is me."

"That can't be true."

I appreciated him trying to help, but he really didn't know everything. I didn't usually tell people this all, but I wasn't caring about keeping my personal life filter up and running today. "I told you that my parents died when I was six, right?" I asked before I could change my mind and bottle it all up again.

Matt nodded. "Yeah. But that wasn't your fault, Quincy."

"Except it was. We were in the car, I don't remember where we were going or whatever, but my mom had a headache or something, so she didn't want any music playing and turned off the radio. I think what was playing at the time was one of my favorite songs from Barney or Sesame Street, or one of those shows from when we were kids. I started throwing a fit because I wanted to hear it. My dad turned around to scold me, I think, and then the next thing I knew, I was waking up in the hospital, an orphan. I was being a brat, and that killed them."