peterick oneshots

letters to patrick pt 2 (sad)

dear Patrick,

I've never stopped thinking about you. since the first day I met you, you've never left my mind. I don't know what it is about you Patrick, but I just can't get enough of it.

but I've not spoke to you in a while. at least, not one on one. there's always been a plus one, someone else joining in on the conversation. i miss talking to you. only you. I don't like talking to you with an audience. I don't like the fact that we've not a had a private conversation in months.

Goddamnit Patrick, I fucking miss you. I miss your hand accidentally brushing against mine, or when it's not so accidental, and we are both tugging at a phone or a book or earphones. I miss being sat close enough to you that I could see your eyes perfectly, see every flick of the iris and how the colour changes in different lights. i miss your voice, and how it was so calming yet it woke me up and made me feel more alive than any coffee ever could. I miss your laugh and how it never failed to bring a smile to my face because I was just so glad you were happy. and I miss your smile. God, your smile. it made the air go out of my lungs and my stomach twist, yet it made my heart swell and make the sun shine a little brighter. I miss how your smile used to reach your eyes, too.
and I never felt more proud or more honoured in the moments that I made you smile. in the moments I made you laugh. I felt on top of the world. I felt like if I could make you smile, then there's really nothing else I can do to beat that. My life goal was to keep you smiling your whole damn life Patrick.

but that didn't really work out, did it.

if it did, I wouldn't be naming all the things I miss. I'd be naming all the things I love.
I still love you, of course. it's just the pain of missing you shadows the love.

but that's not necessarily a bad thing, apparently. everyone says I should move on. that whatever we had, is gone now. and no matter how long it's been, that always hurts to hear.

but what hurts more?

seeing you smiling. God, it makes me ache. because now, I'm not the one making you smile.
I'm not the one making you laugh.
I'm the one who has to sit back and watch you talk to that cute girl and I have to watch her make you smile. and it wasn't until that moment that I had ever been in so much pain without getting a single bruise.

Patrick, I love you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone, and I doubt I will ever love anyone like this again. and yes, I still see you everyday. you still smile and say good morning. but compared to what we used to have? it feels like you're a million miles away. it's like I'm talking to a different person. but I'm not. I know I'm not. because no one else in the world has that smile, or those eyes, or that laugh, or that voice and no one else in the world can make me feel the way you do.

so Patrick,
this is one, of the many, many love letters that I'll never give to you, but I'm sure I'll still be writing until the end of my days.

I love you so much, it scares me.
yours, always.
-pete