One Way || Phan

Part 6.

*Phil's POV*

After I had sent Dan that horrible text message I felt incredibly guilty. Guilty for what happened, guilty for not telling him what was bothering me, guilty for abrupt, not personal way I ended it, guilty for everything. And I was scared too, scared he would find out the truth about me. That's why I blocked his number. I knew it wasn't the right way and it wasn't making things easier. I knew I had to face him again eventually.

Not wanting to deal with my problems anymore, I lay down on my bed and pulled the blankets over my head. I hugged my knees to my chest and tried to stop myself from thinking about it too much. I failed, obviously.

It was not fair. I was the one who was acting all happy and I always tried to make the best of things. Trying to make people smile and cheer them up. To make them forget their problems. And while I tried to do that, I was hoping I would forget about my own problems as well. I truly thought that helping others would solve everything. That the other person would help me the way I helped them. But they never did. They got on with their lives and forgot about me.

But you know what the problem is when you try to hide something? When you try to hide the truth? It builds up and gets heavier with every second you repress it. It keeps building up and up until it reaches a certain point. Until you've had enough. Until you can't take anymore.

When will that be? Tomorrow? In a week, or in a month? Or maybe in a year?

The problem is, nobody ever asked me anything. Nobody asked me 'cause they didn't care. Because they always thought their little ray of sun didn't have problems. But I did. I really did. They were all wrong. So, so wrong.

And there I was. Curled up into a ball, trying not to cry but not managing to hold it in. Salty tears slid down my cheeks and stained my pillow. I hated every single one of them.

Running away was so appealing sometimes. It must be great, just being able to escape all your problems and all people who were pinning you down without them realizing it. Just running away, starting again in another place with other people. I imagined it as getting a whole new personality. A new me. I was so desperate to find a new me.

My dad would probably come home any moment. Oh, I wished I could hate him. That would have made things so much easier. Then all if this could finally be over. Then I could stop him.

But I didn't hate him. I couldn't hate people. Even if they had hurt me, or had left me, I couldn't hate them. I needed them, unfortunately. Without them, I felt alone, even if I had plenty other people to care about. Every single person who came in my life, never really left. There were just too many people to care about at this point and I couldn't take it anymore.

Same story with Dan. He seemed special, and I knew he was. There was something with that boy and every time I thought about the look on his face when he left earlier today, my heart just shattered. I shouldn't have sent him away. I should have talked with him. I should have told him it was okay, that it was all going to be fine. But instead, I was a coward and sent him away and with that, ruined our friendship that had just begun, but had immediately felt so right.

Then the door of my bedroom creaked open and the sickening smell of alcohol filled my room. Heavy footsteps approached me and I shut my eyes tightly, preparing for the worst.

*Dan's POV*

My parents had asked me what was wrong, had hugged me tightly, had tried to reassure me I was safe now but I didn't tell them. I just couldn't. I had no words to tell them, just emptiness inside me. I went straight to bed, mind completely blank by now and feeling incredibly exhausted. My whole body hurt due to the crying and my breathing was unsteady.

Was it even worth it? Was it worth all the pain? Was Phil worth it?

I knew he was.

But I had to let him go. So I was trying. It wouldn't be easy, I knew that, but I would try. Eventually, I would forget him, like clouds moved by as time passed, until another cloud would appear again. Phil was just a cloud. He had to be.

And I was going to school tomorrow. The idea of staying home seemed great, but I was going to show them I was strong. PJ would be there too and I could just talk to him and laugh with him about silly things and then go home to spend the rest of the day on the internet again. And I would repeat that every day until I could finally leave this horrific place to study something probably boring as hell, but make a whole new start. And by that time, I wouldn't even remember Phil anymore and I wouldn't remember what happened today.

I smiled at the thought of just being able to continue my normal, boring life.

But no matter how hard I tried not to, I still fell asleep thinking about a pair of blue eyes.

[A/N: Sorry for not updating, I had no idea what to write so this is kind of a story filler so I can continue the actual storyline in the next chapter. That's also why the chapter is kind of short.

Thanks for reading! <3] 

Edited: 27/9/2017