Untitled (frerard)

home

Second I got home, I went to my room.

"Where have you been, Gerard?", mom came looking angry

"Um.." lie, lie, lie " I had extra class, in art", not bad. Mum looked stunned "Have you done anything wrong?"

"No...just like that", and u fucked it all up, "Can I go now?"

"Go" mum gave up talking to me. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then went to my room balancing coffee pot, a mug and school bag up the stairs.

I locked my door and went straight to my desk. I needed to draw. To get every emotion/thought/whatever is in that head of mine out on the paper. I opened my sketchbook which was actually some kind of drawing diary. I began to draw without thinking about it. After a wile coffee pot was empty and papers were covered wit what appeared to be sketches of  Frank. Details, little fragments of his perfection, his arm or neck covered in tattoos or curve of his lips when he smiles. I haven't even realized how well I knew his body, the curve of his collar bone, or the way his lips move when he talks...every detail about him.

That moment, staring at drawings of Frank, I realized how deeply in fuck I got. I was in love with this perfect guy who probably thought I'm weirdo and had no affection for me whatsoever. I have even made a list of reasons why this is bad, very bad and should be stopped right now.

HE ISN'T GAY

HE PROBABLY HAS A GIRLFRIEND

HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE ME

HE IS YOUNGER THAN ME

HE IS PERFECT, I'M SHIT

REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME

I just stared at the list I made reading it over and over again. Trying to make my self believe it. I hope it works.

After a while words lost their sense, became just sounds. I sketched some more and went to bed. I dreamed I was happy, happier than I've been for years. I and someone else were standing on a hill. I was hugging him from behind, my arms around his waist. His black angel wings were spreading from his back. I woke up dizzy. I definitely wasn't over Frank.