Glass Jar | Phan

Chapter 8

// Follow me on Instagram @beautiphilester and twitter @beautiphilhowel, cheers//

Trigger warning: Possible abuse/self-harm

Dan

Walking back home from seeing Phil sent a chill of regret down my spine. He probably thought I was weak for breaking down, useless, nothing. I bet he was just being nice like the person he is; I can't believe I broke down like that.

Walking on the gravel pathway kicking some rocks, my thoughts pause as I approach a puddle. A thin dark hole filled of the skies tears. I look into it and see my reflection staring back up at me, stained tears of grey spread across my face from my red blood shot eyes. My tears sending a trail to my purple bruise, infused with the colours I have always felt but are now expressed on my skin.

I glide my fingers along my bruise and flick them to my hair, pulling it behind my bristle cold ears. I put my hands in Phil's jackets pockets. I feel useless. I feel a slight tone of regret and embarrassment from letting him see me like that, letting out the cold soul I am. Totally dissing my stereotype.

I can't help but regret texting him too met me, I thought I just needed some air, and I would be fine. Alas my emotions took the better side of me leading my fragile figure to his arms. How did he even want to touch me, why didn't he run away already like the rest?

Phil gave me his attention, his clothing, his comforting words and his embrace. I felt like I was taking too much, as if I was being a user. His clothing fitted me like an oversized t-shirt, it felt cosy and at home, warm and smelled like his cologne of green apple and auburn dark red wood. His attention was too much, but his words felt like lies to my pretty grey skies. His embrace was one thing to take from, his hand gently stroking my back as I cried into his chest, making his blue shirt a dark shade of the sky. The way he rested his chin on my head burring me in his neck, it was so comforting, too comforting. I wish I never let go.

The trail of trees end to the walkway, where I walk a few meters to my house on the corner. Once I approach my house I jump the fence on the right side of my house before coming upon the tree that overhangs my window and climbing up the cold bark that stabs my hands with ever touch. I wince with every branch poking my bruises before I make it to my window, opening it up and tip toeing in.

I take off my shoes and drop my knees too my bed, plugging my phone in the charger and rubbing my face to the pillow. Sleep.

_

I awoke to still be in Phil's jacket, jeans and the same tear stained shirt. I open my eyes and rub the dust out of them, my neck sort of sore from sleeping in a jacket. I must've woken up because of my discomfort because it was only 1am. I see my light is still on, the wind is spearing through the open gap of my window whistling into my room. I stand up shakily and close the window before taking the jacket off and placing it neatly on top of my desk. I look upon the desk and there I see it.

My glass jar

Broken into pieces like diamonds on the floor, pathetic shards on the pathetic floor. I look at the millions of pieces that scatter in front of my door, making an obstacle for when I try to escape my room. I grab an old grey shirt and sit on the floor away from the glass, pushing it with my shirt towards the corner and grabbing all the pieces of paper to put into a shoe box. I shove all the glass into a separate box hoping to put it back together and using a mat from under my bed to place over the rest of the small shards of glass, to prevent myself from being stabbed in the feet.

After a brief moment of moving things, I look at the time-

1:57am.

My eyelids' started to sink from the gravity as I fell towards my light switch, turning the light off from my dark room and falling to the soft mattress that is my bed. I can't sleep.

I'm tired, I'm so so tired. But I really can't fucking sleep.

I just want to quit, end it. My life is leading into nothing anyway and all I have is Phil, but he barely knows me he is just helping me because he is nice. Why is he so fucking nice?

I wish I wasn't alive, it seems useless continuing my life too absolute nothing with no support. Why should I live anyway, I'm just an extra to the movie of earth.

I'm just a car with no wheels, a phone with no screen, a person without a home.

Why the fuck am I still even alive?

I hate when I wake up during the night, I like to sleep early to ignore these thoughts but once I get in the thoughts I can't leave. It's like jail basically.

Why am I so useless, I'm feeling embarrassment from letting myself get emotional around Phil. Why won't he just leave, Like the rest and start rumours. Why did out of everyone did I get chose for a shitty life, I have done nothing to anyone but be a useless peace of shit.

I look down at my arm and pull the sleeve to the round of cuts from previous late nights. I look at them with an urge. Then sliding my other hand to the razor in my bed side table. All of a sudden my thoughts speak loudly, a sharp "no" curses my brain, it felt like I spoke I couldn't of but I swear I did.

I even startled myself from my thoughts. I take a look back at my arm. The lines of regret and red ribbons that tainted and stained my skin, I liked to think of them as red ribbons, it made me think it was just an accessory instead of my unspoken thoughts.

I hear a knock at my door and immediately jump across my room and lock it, sliding down the door and sitting on the mat I left there, trembling from the fright I just got.

"Dan, I swear to god if you are awake I will beat your shameless body"

His words cursing through the door sends chills to my "shameless" body.

"Unlock this door before I do it myself"

I tremble and go to unlock the door, standing slowly and shaking.

Before I can unlock it I hear the sound of his fist hitting the door-

"OPEN THIS DOOR"

And before I know it, I freak out and scramble for an exit. My panicking form grabs my broken school bag, I shove in my phone and the remains of my glass jar, the notes from my mother and spare clothes, some shoes and my charger. I then quickly chuck Phil's jacket around my shoulders and flee my room through the window, as soon as I jump onto the tree my door smashes open.

"Where the fuck are you" Josh slurs his words and chucks my items around the room before looking at the wide open window and the tree that over hanged it. He looked like steam has going to burst through his ears. Then.

We made eye contact.

"You can't run like the rest Dan" His words sounded mischievous "I wouldn't run if I was you'

I didn't break eye contact I simply just kept myself upright half way down the tree.

"Dan, get in here now"

I didn't know what to do, this was so surreal, what was happening? What do I do? Do I run away and be scared to get caught forever? Or do I stay and let him beat me up while I still have my home? I have no one to run to though, Phil wouldn't take me in.

"Get here before I get you"

His voice started to get louder, he will definitely beat my ass now.

I watched as he walked towards the window and I made my decision. I took a swift jump backwards and fell onto the branch bellow before jumping off the tree to the grass. I then jumped the fence and ran as fast as I could down the road, only being seen by the street lights.

I could hear his yelling in the distance until the sound of a car started. It sounded like his van.

I didn't care, I felt alive.

//Ya Welcs//