mOM it'S not a PhaSE (HD Part 2)

SNARKWINKLE X CHIA PET

hi, it's me

your friendly neighborhood goth.

let's begin.

(Snarkwinkle's P.O.V)

It was all the way back in 2007, when public high schools were conquered by the scene cliques, and Pokemon was still accepted by those hardcore nerds. Flip-phones were everywhere, leopard print pants were worn by every popular girl named Britney, and Shrek The Third and Bee Movie came out. Classic legacies made their debuts, and everything seemed to spark up. But, no clothing design, movie, toy, or video game could outlast or defeat this American hero of all products: Chia Pet. 

Of course, the classic jingle filled everyone's hearts with joy, (Sometimes annoyance after hearing it for the seventh time in one day) and almost every child had it on their Christmas wish list, which still confuses me. Around 2007 I was still a young, scrawny kid who everyone was friends with just in case I wanted to preform "Columbine High School Shooting: The Sequel" in front of everyone. I was one of those delightful kids who asked for a Chia Pet for Christmas, and luckily received one. It was a Chia Pet cat, to be precise, and I considered it my pet and very best friend since my alcoholic mother always killed our previous ones. I spread the seeds on it, I watered it, and I watched it grow daily. Honestly, it was like watching paint dry, but middle school me found it the most entertaining and loving thing in the whole wide world. After about a week or so, my plastic cat finally had grown completely. It was like witnessing your Charmeleon evolve into a Charizard. Afterwards, I ran around the backyard with it, pretending that we were on the moon for the search of cheese, or something along those bizarre lines. The snow was the said cheese, and I remember eating that damn yellow part of the snow, comparing it to yellow cheese. An hour later, I remember throwing up that said 'yellow cheese'.

All good things must come to an end, and that moral goes for Chia Pets as well. Two weeks after the snow incident, the grass on my plastic friend began to shrink and turn yellow like straw. I remember shedding a tear after accidentally snapping apart one if its weak pieces of dying grass, but that was only the beginning of the tears.  The next day, my drunkard being of a paternal guardian assured me that the Chia Pet was dead like her sex life, and while I was asleep, hid it in the attic to rot for all of eternity. I don't know why she didn't throw out the thing, but I'm glad she didn't. 

Almost a decade after the classical time of eccentric designs and toys, I have finally come upon my past buddy, the Chia Pet cat. I was moving to my college apartment, and I decided to take one last trip to the attic to find any other childhood belongings. There, in the corner of the ridiculously cramped attic, was my Chia Pet. Dust and cobwebs swarmed it and protected it almost like a layer of skin, and the grass it once held nine years ago was almost nothing. I dropped my boxes and swept the dust and webs away, and held my Chia Pet as if they were Simba and I were Rafiki from The Lion King. It was a reunion that changed the world. After close inspection of my deceased friend, an idea hatched in my mind: What if I can revive my Chia Pet? Of course, that means I would have to go out and by another Chia Pet online just for the 'magic seeds' and waste some water on it, but maybe I didn't have to. Maybe my childhood friend would get some 'magic seed' of their own. 

Well, as a profound Atheist, I'm glad to say God isn't looking over my search history. With my latest question on the web being "How can I stick my penis into a Chia Pet?" and "Does fucking your dead Chia Pet count as necrophilia?" , I'm safe to say nobody will and should know. After cutting a hole right where the normal buttocks should be, needless to say, I stuck my dick inside it and began fucking it. Don't ask me why, but I somehow got a sense of pleasure from constantly thrusting my weak-ass dick into a dead Chia Pet. After about ten minutes of doing nothing but fucking it, I came in it. I think a bit of blood escaped my nostrils. God, if my dick weren't as limp as a spaghetti noodle, I'd probably fap to the Chia Pet too. But, I didn't, and quickly I stuffed the Chia Pet into one of my boxes, put my 2008 jeans back on, and escaped the attic, never to enter again.

Now inside my own college apartment, the Chia Pet is now safely on top of one of my window ledges, looking out of it to examine the view. I hope it doesn't feel betrayed knowing that I've masturbated to a fucking fictional horse before, but then again, the best thing about Chia Pets is that they can't tell anyone.