Paralyzed (boyxboy)

TWO

"Evander."

The name made me flinch.

"You still won't say his name."

"I say it."

Dr. West gave me a look, expectantly waiting for me to prove it. I formed the shape of the E on my lips but at the last second, my throat seized up and nothing came out.

Dr. West pursed her lips.

"Look," I sighed. "I'm not here about that, I'm here about the dreams."

"Richard, don't you think that if you stopped trying to repress your memories of Evander that they would stop coming out in such a violent way?"

"I'm not repressing anything!" I said defiantly. There was just something about Dr. West that always made me feel judged; probably the way she called me by my full name, the way my parents use to when I was in trouble. Either way, the middle aged therapist brought out my irritable side every time.

"Then why do you refuse to talk about him?" she asked.

Arguing never got me anywhere so I braced myself, took a breath and tried to explain.

"It's not that I'm trying to forget him," I said. "It's just that talking about him--" my voice cracked as though trying to prove a point. I shut my eyes, blocking out her sympathetic gaze.

"You two were very close, weren't you?" Dr. West asked.

I nodded numbly.

"He was my..."

Again I couldn't finish.

"Everything?" she supplied.

I'd been about to say best friend but everything worked too.

I shrugged and nodded at the same time.

"We were inseparable."

"He must have been a good friend," Dr. West said gently.

She was trying to coax more out of me but it just made my head pound and my whole body feel heavy and tired.

"Look," I said. "He's everywhere I go. Every person I know makes me think about him and remember him. I have to pass the spot it happened every time I drive int town for dinner or groceries or these appointments and the--" My voice cracked again but this time I swallowed past the lump and went on.

"Then," I said, more calmly. "When I'm asleep, I still can't get away." I shut my eyes remembering the sensation of Evan on top of me, the copper tang of blood filling my senses and lingering even in the morning when I would wake up alone, feeling like I hadn't slept at all. "I'm just so tired. I need a break from these dreams."

Dr. West watched me long and hard with those sharp, perceptive eyes.

"You know they're not normal dreams, don't you Richard?" she asked. "You said you can't move, have difficulty breathing--"

"Well yeah," I laughed. "He's sitting on my chest, holding me down."

The look she gave me made me want to shrink into a ball.

"Do you believe that Evander is really visiting you in the dead of night?" she asked.

I shook my head.

"They're just really vivid..."

"Richard, have you ever heard of sleep paralysis?"

I nodded hesitantly. I'd heard the term before, but I didn't know much about it.

"It's when you wake up but your body stay's asleep?"

She nodded.

"When someone experiences sleep paralysis, they have the sensation of being awake, fully aware but unable to move their body," she said. "It is often accompanied by shortness of breath. People often describe a feeling of being pushed down."

My heart was pounding. The rate increasing with every spoken word.

"But I see him..."

"Hallucinations are common during sleep paralysis," Dr. West said. She smiled sympathetically. "It can be a terrifying experience."

I shook my head.

"It's not," I said. "It's not terrifying."

"No?" Dr. West asked.

I shook my head.

"I could never be scared of him."

Dr. West seemed surprised.

"I thought the image that you described was quite horrific."

I looked away, gaze fixing on the loose threads of my jeans. It was scary. It made my heart pound and my breath race and my entire body tremble. But it was also still Evander.

"What are you thinking?"

I glanced up at Dr. West and quickly away, fingers pulling at the soft, loose strings.

"I just like seeing him," I said.

She smiled softly.

"If that's the case, then it doesn't sound so bad. A lot of people don't like the sensation of sleep paralysis, but if you are able to remain calm and wait for it to pass, then you're already doing the right thing. I'm not going to prescribe you anything for it."

My heart sank.

"But I'm so tired," I said. "I just want a few normal nights sleep."

She sighed.

"Sleep paralysis occurs when a person is unable to enter REM sleep. Their body remains asleep and their mind wakes up. It's extremely common Richard. Medications often make it worse."

I frowned deeply, trying to imagine another night like the last few.

"Try going to bed a little earlier from now on. Try to clear your mind. Maybe play some soothing music, take a bath, just do anything you can think of to relax. By our next appointment, if it's still happening, we can discuss other options then."

~~~

AN: I've experienced sleep paralysis before. One time in particular, a tall figure in a long black cloak glided to the edge of my bed and stared down at me. The street light was behind him/it so I couldn't see into his hood at what face lay beneath. And worst of all, because it was sleep paralysis and I couldn't move, all I could do was shut my eyes and tell myself everything would be okay and that when I opened my eyes again he would be gone. But still, I can't help but wonder what exactly it was he was seeing in me...

I hear that many sleep paralysis hallucinations are very similar. Have any of you ever experienced it before?