Paralyzed (boyxboy)

SEVEN

Our feet crunched heavily in the snow. I was still in my runners and every step packed more of the frozen liquid in around my ankle and caked it to my socks. Still, it was worth it to bee-line through the field and save the five minutes on our walk home.

"I hate this place," I grumbled.

Evan didn't say anything next to me.

"Seriously," I went on. "Why the hell did our parents think this would be a good place to raise kids?"

"It's not all bad," Evan said.

I looked at him, trying to read the serious look in his eyes and frowned.

"Really?" I asked. "The snow is up to my ass, school is fucking boring and there's nothing here at all except for the grocery store and gas station--which we still have to drive to get to."

I spun around, walking backwards to face him, and held my arms out, encompassing the pure desolate shitty-ness of the whole place.

"What about this place is not bad?" I demanded.

Evan pursed his lips.

"You're just in a bad mood because of Maryanne," he said and I scowled because the mention of her name did in fact remind me of the unfairness of the world.

"There are plenty of other options," Evan said, looking down at the snow. "Once you forget about her--"

"It's not that, okay?" Maryanne and her very public hook-ups with everyone other than me--that was just the icing.

I looked around and felt my shoulders slumping.

"Don't you ever get sick of it here?" I asked. "It's like there are no options, no choices. Just the same faces everyday and the same fields..."

Evan watched me with wide eyes. I couldn't tell what he was thinking, just suddenly, that he looked remarkably like he did that time in sixth grade when those bullies had kicked his puppy.

"I'm one of those faces, you know," he said, shakily.

I swallowed.

"I know," I said, frowning.

"You're so fucking rude," he went on.

"What? How?"

"You're always doing this! Going on about leaving everything and everyone!"

I stepped back, confused.

"So?"

"So you're my best friend! Can't you even pretend you want to stay in my life?"

I blinked.

"Evan, I--"

"No, it's fine. I get the picture. The second you save enough for a car, you're out of here."

His voice rang through the crisp air around us, the sound of his heavy breathing suddenly loud in the silence.

We stared at each other for a long minute and he was waiting for an explanation, an apology, but all I could think to say was what I thought had been obvious from the start.

"I thought you would come with me..."

Evan blinked at me, shock slackening his face.

"What?" he asked slowly.

I shrugged, suddenly self conscious.

"I thought--all the times we talked about it--that we were planning--"

I bit my lip, feeling like the biggest idiot on the planet. I assumed he'd want to come with me.

"Just me and you?" Evan asked.

I felt my cheeks heating, a totally unwelcome feeling, despite the cold.

"I thought you wanted to--forget it."

I turned, unable to face him. Suddenly the feeling of the snow in my shoes was unbearable.

I half expected Evan to stop me and sort this mess out. He hated to leave things in a bad way and so it was a relief that I only made it one step before Evan's hand landed on my shoulder, pulling me back to face him.

His lips pressed against mine before I could even see him. Firm and ice cold with all the desperation of someone trying to force every feeling into one stolen moment and when I was too shocked to move, his hands lifted, dug into my hair with a desperate noise. His lips parted and mine did automatically, and then, out of no where, my arms shot out, shoving him hard.

Evan stumbled back but didn't fall.

For a moment, we stared at each other, but before I could register anything, my body moved again. I punched him hard, across the cheek and he fell back.

Snow flew up around him like dust but he didn't move.

Neither did I.

We stared at each other. My hands were shaking and half of me couldn't figure out if I'd really hit him or if he'd really kissed me but his eyes were dull and glassy and there was blood on his lip.

"I love you," he said.

I could hear it in the tremble on his voice, see it in his eyes. In that moment, I knew, he would take any abuse from me and it wouldn't change how he felt.

My gaze dropped to his split lip. Guilt twisted in me and I ran.

***

I thought of his eyes that day. They were there behind my eyelids every time I blinked.

Now that he was gone, it was like my memory imposed that look of longing and love into half of my memories of him. I wondered everyday if loving me drove him up the wall. I wondered everyday if he was thinking about me when he died.

I had so many questions I wanted to ask him. Until now, I'd never thought of doing just that.

Tonight. When he arrived, I was going to be waiting for him.

~

AN: Only one more chapter left! :$ I hope you're enjoying this! <3