Paralyzed (boyxboy)

THREE

The crisp autumn air was shocking after leaving the warmth of Dr. West's office. The breeze cut into my skin like razor blades and I looked up at the sky, wondering if it was going to start snowing.

Thick, heavy clouds glared down at me, nearly as dark as my mood.

Four weeks had passed since the accident. I'd barely slept since. As the shock faded, each day felt harder than the last. I would have to live my whole life without my best friend. It felt like an uphill climb and I was only at the bottom. Barely thirty days had passed. I was struggling without him and there were so many more days to go. Each minute was a step I took further and further away from him.

I reached my car in the lot, a faded brown Honda Accord that Evander had helped me pay for on my birthday three years ago. It was hitting nearly twenty years old now. The door squealed when I let myself in and the rust pattern was starting to make it look like a very ill cow, but I couldn't bring myself to turn it in to the junk yard just yet.

It jerked and hummed when I drove, but Evander had been sitting next to me on the warn seats only a month ago. If I had driven him one more time, he would be sitting with me still. I wouldn't be hallucinating his image in a desperate attempt to see his face one more time.

I pulled out of the lot, took a turn toward the highway and at the last minute, pulled a u-turn and headed in the opposite direction. 

I just needed some time. Even just a few more minutes before I had to pass the spot again.

I ended up at the grocery store. Another place filled with memories. My first job. The first place Evander started popping by to annoy me, knocking things off shelves opening packages of candy without paying. He knew I would cover for him. Hell, he didn't even want the candy. He just wanted to see my face.

For a moment I sat in the car, staring at the large sliding doors, wondering what the heck I was doing here and if I could really go inside and pretend that I was fine. But then I reminded myself that I'd done this about three times now since he passed away. I could do it one more time and then another and another until it didn't hurt me anymore.

Inside. My eyes were glued to the faded tiles. I tried not to see anything else and walked the aisles as though blindfolded. Luckily, I knew the place like the back of my hand.

In the cereal aisle, heels clip-clopped next to me briskly.

"Rick?"

The gentle voice set me on edge before I even turned to see Maryanne standing next to me, a baby dangling in one arm and exaggerated sympathy pasted across her face.

"It's so good to see you out and about," the small blonde breathed and suddenly, I realized that the sympathy might be a lot more real than I first thought it was as her big brown eyes began to shine like glass. "It's so weird to see you alone."

My hands started to shake before the rest started; the tightness in my throat and the burning corners of my eyes followed. Last was the thought; just imagine how weird it feels for me to be alone.

I wanted to say something. I wanted to sound strong and unaffected but when I opened my mouth, tears came out and utter silence.

I guess I couldn't do this market for a third time, after all.

Back in highschool, before baby number one, I would have given all my lunch money for a year to have one hug from Maryann. Now as luck would have it, Maryann pulled me into a hug and held me tight, her own tears falling and baby drooling onto my arm and all I could think about was Evander.

We ended up talking. She sat with me in the car and I managed to summon up enough words about how rough it was that she took my hand and squeezed it and didn't let go. When she tried to convince me to come to her place for dinner, I finally managed to pull it together enough to firmly decline.

"There's only so much I can socialize in a day right now," I said.

She nodded and leaned in to give me a quick peck on the cheek before running across the lot to her own car.

A kiss and a hug. High school me would have been jumping for joy. As it was now though, that silly high school crush... it was yet another thing to feel guilty over.