The Sister Of Popular

Chapter Twenty-Three

If you ever find this...

You're probably wondering why I'm writing this, or why I've told you I've gone to hang out with my non-existent friends for about ten hours. You've probably found this because you've come wandering into my room for the first time in months, and noticed how the set of drawers only allows space for a rat to get into my bedroom. And then you've wondered why I've made my room such a mess, such a maze, just like what I've become. You can see how the walls have changed, first, because as much as I tried to paint over those words with purple paint, you can still see those red words. Some of the words written there would make you gasp and plot revenge if someone said that to someone you love, but then again, I guess I deserved it. Because a lot of those words are right. A lot of those words are what I've become.

I can't live with myself anymore.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to who I used to be, who I was, but then my mind just got so...messed up; scrambled up with popularity, wishing to be just like Levi. There was one day, just once, that Levi and I didn't pretend we were still best friends, and that was near the beginning, and I wish I had let you help me then, because now I'm trapped. Stuck. And even then, I was nice enough, and couldn't exactly understand why people hated me. Until Levi told me to 'get a life', and ever since then, I've been pondering my existence, wondering what the hell is the point in living. I thought Levi had a life, and he does, he has the best social life ever and sometimes I wish I could be like him, popular and never having to worry about being alone.

Nobody will miss me, and you won't, either.

And when I got friends, I was stupid enough to throw them away as if they were scrap paper, fluttering around in the wind. Because I wanted to be like Levi. And I tried to make people like me, but it never worked. But amongst those friends, I found my first love, and I didn't even realise it until he left me. And now I'm just wandering through this world, with all of these dark thoughts. Nobody likes me. Everyone judges me, but they're right to judge, because that's what I am, isn't it? And even on How To Get A Life, my addictive website under the name of LexiPainter123 ruined me. I've made the stupidest decisions, and I regret every moment of my life. From spilling that can of Sprite, to joining How To Get A Life, to chatting with Lucas one break, to starting that party, to letting Thomas go and to getting those scissors out.

Have you ever thought about what people think underneath all of those words?

And Mum, please, don't grieve over me. I'm not worth it. You have a wonderful son, and you'll never have any problems with him. He has an easy life, and he knows what to do to keep you happy. I don't want to cause you trouble by staying. I don't deserve your love. Give it to your nephew, Aiden. He's the sweetest, talented relative we have, and he's starting again in Britain, so support him, okay? I mean, you might not even read this, but if you do, please, one of us is enough.

Sometimes I wish you had noticed.

Aiden, if Mum doesn't find it, you will. Thank you for being there for me in those few days before that damned prom. Continue with your photography and computing - you're amazing and you make the family proud. Everyone knows you're the best. Don't miss me - I barely knew you, and you barely knew me. You knew the ten-year-old me, and I've changed. Those pink butterflies have turned into holes of darkness, and you made the right decision by going away after the school dance. That's one of the list of a million things I regret, but thank you and good luck.

I'm really not worth it, am I?

There's next to no chance you'll read this, but this is to Ashley, Francis and Isaac, and everyone else who outcasted me. I guess I deserved it, but nobody else does. And I hate myself, but you're bullies and please, make true friends, one who will guide you in the right direction and all of that cheesy stuff, because I don't want this happening to everyone else. And it's my fault, I know, for being such a pathetic little idiot that I resolved to cutting and talking bull about you over the Internet, but if that spillage of Sprite had never happened, and if we had just stopped being trying to screw each other's lives up, maybe things would have been different.