scars || njh

7

******ATTENTION******

***TRIGGER WARNING***

Bella Luna's POV:

"So what do you want to eat?" Niall said. He was looking at the menu like a little kids looks at Toys-R-Us.

"Hm.... I think I'm good right now actually." I said. I looked down and started playing with my fingers, avoiding eye contact. I didn't particularly want to eat because that would mean that I would have to break my 3 day fast.

"You don't want anything?" Niall asked in disbelief. He and I used to always eat so much together. That was when I was fat though, I mean fatter than I am now.

"Yep nothing, I don't really like anything on the menu." I said starring at the pictures on the wall. One was of a Mexican boat at a dock and it suddenly had become very interesting.

"What? You used to love everything here."

"I'm just on a diet, no big deal." I replied shrugging.

"You've lost a lot of weight. Have you been starving yourself Bella?" He asked trying to look in my eyes but I looked down.

 "Bella... If you have been, I can help you." He said tilting my head up to look at him.

"No, okay? I haven't, I was just tired of being fat so now I'm on a diet. It's not any of your business." I said rather rudely but who does he think he is getting into my personal stuff?

"You can't just ignore me for a year then come back and pretend like you know everything that's going on in my life". I felt so bad for being mean but it just came out.

He was silent

"Niall. I'm sorry... I'm just being defensive. Do you think you can just take me home for the night" I said guiltily. 

"Sure" he said sounding sad. We walked out of the restaurant.

The drive was extremely silent and awkward. I really didn't want him to see my living conditions but I wasn't in the mood to walk. I told him the address and shortly after we pulled up at the crummy foster care home I was staying at till I turned eighteen, which was in seven months.

The yard was just a dirt lot surrounded by a cheap fence. It was only one story and one of the front windows was broken in the corner and covered up with cardboard.

"Is this where you live Bella?" Niall asked. You could just hear the pity and sadness laced in his voice.

"Yep, till I'm eighteen" I said hopping out of the car and grabbing my bag. "Nice to see you again, thanks for the ride" I said slamming the door close.

"Maybe we can do it again? Before I leave" Niall said out the window. I didn't even turn around I just kept walking up the cheap gravel path and yelled back, "Sure thing!"

I opened the cheap, paper thin door and immediately walked to the bedroom I shared with 4 other kids around my age. I put my stuff down and began walking to the bathroom to take a look at my face. Before I got there I was stopped in the hallway by Nancy, the foster home owner. She was a 58 year old woman and nice enough to all of us, but she pretty much let us do whatever we wanted. She was technically my legal guardian but I thought of her more like an acquaintance since we didn't really talk much. If you ask me, I think she just takes in so many kids for the money.

"Hold on a second" Nancy spoke, holding her hot cup of coffee. I could smell the whiskey in it and on her breathe from where I was standing. 

"Yes?"

"What happened to your face?" she said grabbing my chin and tilting my head side to side. Why does everyone think they can just grab my face?

"I accidentally scratched myself" I said pulling away and walking quickly to the bathroom. I stepped inside and locked the door. I examined myself in the dirty mirror.

I had a long cut on the side of my face going from the side of my nose to just below  the corner of my eye. Dried blood littered the cut and the skin around it. I got a washcloth wet to clean it up and put two big band-aids over it. I felt my phone buzz in the pocket of my old black skinny jeans and I looked at the caller ID. Niall, of course.

I picked it up with a sigh.

"Yes Niall?"

"I just wanted to make sure your okay Bella. I didn't mean to make you upset it's just... I'm worried about you. I know about the news story and how everyone knows what happened now and it must be really hard for you."

"You know what Niall? It's not your problem, so you can just go back to your perfect family, your perfect band, and your perfect life" I said slightly raising my voice.

"My life is far from perfect Bella" he said and I could tell he was getting mad.

"Oh right excuse me! I didn't realize what a tragedy it was to not know what color Jordan's to wear with your outfit!"

"Bella you don't have to be so sad you know. Just look on the bright side of things instead of focusing on all the bad"

"WOW! You just solved it! Everything is totally better now!... I'm done talking to you okay? You have no idea what its like to wake up every day hating everything about yourself. Having to relive memories that you wish you could forget but you can't, hoping that one day you could actually go at least one minute without feeling totally miserable." Now I was heavily crying.

"You don't know how painful it is to wait for things to get even a fraction better and they never do! Everything only gets worse and I'm done!" I said and hung up.

I threw my phone to the floor screaming. I pulled out a razor from the drawer and took off my pants. I sat on the toilet seat and aggressively ran the razor across my thigh several times, making sure to go very deep. I did it in places that were not already covered in scars and places that were. I watched as the blood poured out of the new cuts, shaking and breathing heavily.  I sat back and focused only on the physical pain, welcoming it.