scars || njh

11

PREVIOUSLY:

We pulled up to my foster house too soon. I sighed dreading being back here, I wish I could feel as happy as I was today all the time.

"I'll walk you in"

"Thanks" I said smiling. We walked up the porch and I unlocked the door.

I definitely was not ready for the sight in front of me. My smile quickly faded.

It was Nancy sitting on the couch, tears rolling down her face, a tissue in her hands. Across from her sat a tall dark man in a nice suit and a brief case.

"Bella you're home" Nancy said sniffling.

"Yeah... is everything okay" I asked confused and worried.

"No. This is hard to say but Bella..." she trailed off.

"Yes?" I wanted answers

"Bella... It's your father. He's out of jail... and he has custody over you"

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I couldn't function.

I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me in a mere few seconds. I must have looked crazy. I swear my eyes were popping out of my head.

I just couldn't believe it. This had to be a joke, it had to be.

I started panicking; they wouldn't kid about something like this would they. I knew everyone was staring at me but that was the least of my worries. My thoughts were racing a mile a minute. I couldn't think, I couldn't talk, and I couldn't breath.

I really couldn't breath.

This whole time I just realized I hadn't taken a breath. I grabbed the corner of the couch and sat down trying to process everything and breathe.

This is literally not happening. It can't be. I won't believe it, I just won't. They can't make me go back with him, how could they? Everyone told me I'd be okay now, that'd I'd be safe. 

I can't trust one fucking word that comes out of anyone's mouth.

"Bella?"  Nancy spoke timidly.

I barely heard her, what with all the thoughts running around in my head.

I just couldn't get a break could I? Nothing would ever get better. 

"Bella are you okay? Do you need your inhaler?" she spoke a little louder this time. When I got to this foster house I had to go to the doctors and I was prescribed an inhaler for when I had panic attacks and couldn't breathe. I didn't use it though.

"No" I choked out. I wasn't sure where Niall was I couldn't move my eyes from their spot on the dirty patch of carpet between my feet. I was still in my previous position on the couch. I wasn't even able to have a panic attack, I was just too overwhelmed. Nothing in my brain was working right at the moment.

I could barely remember where I was.

Oh, that's right I'm in foster care due to my alcoholic father who was recently arrested for abusing and molesting me. Oh yeah, and I guess he recently got out of jail and now is coming to take me back.

Why me? 

My life would never get better. It's too shitty already, too broken.

And that's when everything went clear in my mind. I couldn't take it. I couldn't take any of it.

I didn't want to be this way. I didn't want to be me.

I didn't want to live.

What happened next just made sense to me. I couldn't control anything in my life, but I could control whether I went through it all. And I didn't want to go through it anymore.

I couldn't go through it anymore.

I got up off of my knees and made my way to the bathroom.

"Bella?" I heard Niall and Nancy say in unison. So Niall was still here, I'd thought he would have left by now. The man in suit was gone though.

I looked back at them. Niall was looking at me with a bewildered and confused expression on his face and Nancy with the same expression.

"You're taking this weirdly well" Niall said slowly. It must have looked like that on the outside. I wish they could see how destroyed I was on the inside.

"Yeah" I said blankly looking at him. I was looking through him though, I was blinded with depression. I turned back around and made my way back to the bathroom. Once I reached the door I spoke.

"Niall go home, I promise to call you in a little. Nancy feel free to go to bed and we can talk about this tomorrow"

"Dear, I think maybe you should go to bed too. You must be feeling overwhelmed right now" Nancy said. I was so much more than 'overwhelmed'. 

I was completely and utterly finished with this life.

I turned to face them. "Niall go home. Nancy go to bed. I'll be fine" I gave a little smile.

"Maybe I should stay an-"

"No" I cut Niall off. "I said go home, please" I was loosing my cool and would burst any second.

"Okay... " he said and walked out the door slowly. I don't blame him if I was someone else I wouldn't want to be anywhere near me right now.

I didn't even care if Nancy was still watching me from the living room. I just opened the bathroom door and locked it behind me.

I went straight for where I hid my razors.

Cutting wasn't good enough for this situation. I wanted out. Out of this world. Out of this life.

I turned on the water and started to fill the tub.