Sighs and Fire (Phan AU) (INCOMPLETE)

(1.20)

A/N: sorry it took a bit longer than usual to update! I've been sick for a couple of days but I really liked how this one turned out. Enjoy! (p.s. I've been nominated for an award and if you want to nominate me too you can do so at thewriterawards.com)

"Phil, what's it like waiting to love someone?" I'm curled up into his side as we lay on my single bed at my mum's home. I'm looking at the walls, at the stains the blu-tack has left behind. It's strange being back here after such a long time. I thought I'd never have to be back in this room where so much of my unhappiness spiralled out of control before.

"It depends..." he murmurs, tiredness in his voice."A lot of the time I didn't really think anything of it, because I had friends and everything was fine, most of the time. I wasn't too worried because I knew you'd be along someday," he's quiet like he's remembering something. "Only... sometimes I was so lonely I could barely breathe."

I think about that for a moment, letting the words mull over my head. It's hard to think that Phil once felt as lonely as I did, especially when I knew what it was like to feel so isolated that it was drowning you. "Do you think that's how Joseph's other half feels?"

"I don't know, Dan."

"When do you think they'll be told that- that he's not here anymore?"

"Sooner rather later, I hope."

I couldn't stop thinking about Joseph's other half. How'd they react when they found out when their one shot at finding true love was over before it started. It hurt to think about and it makes me pull Phil a little bit closer, hold him a bit tighter, kiss him a little bit harder. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

It still felt like someone had shot me in the chest. It was only yesterday that my brother had left the world behind and the shock was beginning to subside, but a piece of my heart was missing and I knew I'd never get it back. When Phil had fallen asleep next to me last night, I had felt for his heart beat on my finger way more than what was necessary, but Joseph's death had been a wake up call that life was a fragile as balloons, and a single prick would mean it was all over. I was terrified that Phil would slip away from me like water when I needed him the most, especially when he didn't seem to see any dangers in the world - all he saw was nature and beauty in everything.

I wish I could be more like him but all I could see was reminders that my brother wasn't here anymore. I had spent some time in his room when we got back yesterday, but it had proved to be too much too soon and Phil had found me curled up in the corner sobbing until I could barely breathe and my vision was blurry.

I had to walk past his room to get to mine, and out of habit I would look into it, expecting to see him there on his desk with homework spread out but his attention a million miles away. It was too painful to leave the door open when we all knew it was empty, so Phil shut the door once he had gotten me into his arms and carried me out. He told me he felt bad for doing so, like it was him shutting Joseph out of our lives, but he said there was no point in deepening the wound until we were ready.

To some extent, it was working. On the few times I had walked past the room, I had pretended the closed door was just a wall and walked straight past but twisted the corkscrew that felt like was in my heart every time.

I was at a loss at what to do with myself. My mum and I couldn't bring ourselves to start planning the funeral yet even though all the papers and leaflets were laying on the table in the living room, making sure they were to be seen. We usually sat at the table to eat so when Phil had made us all food to make sure we kept eating, we all sat on the sofas with our plates on our laps.