Sighs and Fire (Phan AU) (INCOMPLETE)

(1.3)

Daniel Howell
42 Widdlestone Way 
London

My hands are shaky as I take the envelope and keeping my eyes down on the floor, following it up to my room again. I'm chewing on my bottom lip and there's some strange activity happening in my stomach that's making it feel funny. I don't know what to think or what to expect from this.

It's July 5th and I've got my third gift from Phil - a letter. The third passing is always a letter or note of some sort, it's almost a tradition or a rule, just like how the first is always an item of clothing. 

I can tell my mum's a little offended and upset that I've left the room to be alone again, but this just feels too personal. I want to read it first and soak up every word and figure out every possible meaning and completely suss it out before sharing it with anyone.

I sit at my desk this time, placing the letter down and smoothing it out with my hands. I notice that my address is printed out on a sticker, so Phil couldn't have seen my name or address, just like how I didn't see his either but instead handed over a blank sealed envelope at the office. 

You can only be so careful when it comes to opening envelopes, but I do my best anyway to not completely destroy it and then take out the folded up piece of paper that's only got one side of writing on it. I open it up, noticing that I'm barely breathing and start to read:

Hello! 

I don't know who's reading this, but you don't know who's writing this either, so maybe I should introduce myself a little. 

My name's Phil as you might've guessed. I'm 16 and live in ██████. 

I like to read and play video games and sometimes draw (although, I'm not very good at it...). My favourite band is Muse, and if you've never heard of them, don't listen to them yet - wait for me to be there with you! I spend too much of my time on the internet, so I'm not very surprised that we haven't accidentally bumped into each other yet. 

We're not allowed to describe our appearance in these letters so I don't really know what else to tell you that won't make me sound as boring as I already do, so I guess I'll just leave it here.

By the way... I hope you're not so weirded out that we're both boys. I mean, don't worry if you are because I wasn't too sure at first but now I'm okay with the idea. Apparently we were made for each other, and as long as we make each other happy, that's what matters, right? And, who cares anyway? 

Next month I'm going to wear your vest so you know what to look out for when we're searching for each other. I can't wait to meet you :]

Love,
Phil <3

P.S.  I only figured out you're a boy because the bracelets you sent me - they're too big for a girl. Thank you for those by the way, I wear them all the time to feel close to you :] 

I was smiling so much by the end of the letter that my cheeks started to hurt. I ran my fingers over his handwriting that was neat and written in blue. 

It looked like he had tried to put in what zone he lived in, but it had been censored by people in the scientific centre since we weren't allowed to reveal any personal information before we met. That was only one month away and I was a mix of wanting the day to come as soon as possible but wanting the day to be delayed at the same time since I didn't feel ready yet.

I was ready to meet Phil and get to know him as my other half, but I wasn't ready to fall in love with a boy. I hadn't really given much thought about it since I didn't know where to start with it, but I worried about it almost constantly. 

I hoped that would eventually get over myself and not think anything of it when I finally met Phil and that it would all feel natural, I but deep down I knew I was kidding myself. He'd be nervous too, so I knew we wouldn't push each other to do anything until we were 100% comfortable. 

Despite being a bit scared, I was excited to explore this new boundary I had never thought about with Phil. Neither of us were experienced in being with the same sex, or relationships for that matter, so all the emotions and mistakes would be so raw that it'd be embarrassing, but I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else. 

In class when I was bored I thought a lot about the letter and what Phil had said. By this point, I had completely memorised it and could remember every stroke of the pen and what each word looked like. It left me with a warm, fuzzy feeling inside and I'd have to disguise my smile by biting on my lips or pulling them into a straight line in case someone caught me and asked me what I was so happy about.

August 5th came around so fast that before I knew it, I could hear it breathing right behind me. On 4th, I had received instructions by post about where to meet Phil the next day.

Zone 3, middle of town centre, outside the shopping centre at 10am.

The night before 5th, I paced around my room for longer than what I thought possible, and when that wasn't enough, extended my route so it went all around the house. 

My mum raised an eyebrow and chuckled to herself and my brother looked at me weird, but I couldn't explain myself to them because my throat was dry and I was feeling queasy so I worried that if I opened my mouth then I would be sick everywhere. 

I couldn't eat and barely slept, so I got out bed just before 6am and awarded myself for an extra-long shower for running on less than two hours sleep. 

I was ready to go two hours before my mum and I were due to leave since she was driving me there, and I had never known time to drag so much. The time mocked me and slowed all the way down to just torture me a bit more, I was sure. One hour felt like a day. It made all my nerves worse and they wouldn't let me think about anything else, so I couldn't distract myself like I usually would have. 

Finally, I was in the car and we were driving there and all I did was watch my trembling hands pull at my sleeves. I had decided to wear Phil's jumper since it only seemed fair, and I hoped that he would see me and come up to me first.

"Are you okay?" My mum asked when we stopped at a red light.

"I think I'm going to have a heart attack and die," I responded, my breathing getting shallower as we got nearer.

"You'll be fine! Look, we're here now. Get out of the car before you change your mind, you can't let him down. Go, Dan. Don't look at me like that. See, that wasn't hard, was it? Good luck!" 

I closed the car door and looked for the route to the town centre. My legs felt like jelly and I was sure I had gone pale and I would've done anything to go back home and forget the entire ordeal, but my body didn't listen to me and kept walking forward, which I was secretly pleased about.

I stopped in front of the shopping centre and looked around, but there were too many clusters of people so I couldn't see properly. But some five minutes later, I looked left and my heart stopped because there about 10 metres away, tugging the bottom of my vest, was boy with startling black hair.