save me | jungkook

10,

THREE WEEKS LATER:
[JUNGKOOK'S POV]

     I am stuck in a never-ending cycle of people abandoning me.

     A few days ago, my father left me and my mother. In a way, I guess I had expected it. My father had been gambling for years and occasionally drank. Our family was pretty wealthy, but we started taking out loans because of his gambling addiction. He strictly refused to see a therapist as he strongly claimed that he didn't need one.

I remember the times where he would get so drunk that he would take out his anger on my mother.

The screams, the desperate cries of help that I couldn't block out.

I hate myself so much for being so weak, for not being able to save my mother from those bruises, for scarring my mother, and for losing what I loved, Areum. I had so many regrets on the decisions that I had made in the past. Sometimes I would wish I could go back to the past, to fix all those stupid, little mistakes. But I realized that you can't change history.

It'll only repeat itself.

     Everyone thought my life was perfect, but they don't know the things that go on behind my smile. The pain that goes through me and the tears that stream down my mother's face. My life was far from ever being perfect. It was damaged and it'll stay that way forever.

Just like how a paper is burned, you can't turn those ashes back to what they used to be. It would just stay burnt and that was how life worked.

There was no changing it and it would stay broken forever. The only thing one could do was to stand back and watch as your life gets absolutely ruined by what people like to call fate.

So now, my mother and I are in a slight debt. Thanks to my father, he had taken the money stored in our house and ran away with it. My mother was working at her hardest, trying to earn as much money as she could and to get advanced payments. I found a couple of part-time jobs that were willing to have me as an employee. As much as I hate to say it, most of them accepted me because of my looks. I could tell because some of them were all over me, but none of them could be compared to Areum.

     I just hope everything will work out in the end and that everyone can be happy. Sometimes I wish life was as easy as using a Wite-Out over a typo.

Over the past few weeks in school, it seems as though Areum has changed.

     She looked exhausted and by the looks of it, it seems as if she had been starving herself. I recalled the time where she was dizzy in the janitor's room. Was she starving herself or perhaps, throwing up after eating? I shook my head at that thought. Areum wouldn't, right? Doesn't she know she's already beautiful the way she is?

     I frowned deeply.

     She had been looking awfully skinnier. I could slightly see her bones pop out more on her hands. It pained me to see her like this. I wanted to help Areum so much, to save her from the illusion she had made up. I hope that one day she'll be able to open her eyes and see that no one should tell her what to look or be like — that she should be herself.

     I wanted to talk to her so bad, but I never got the chance to.

     Areum would constantly avoid me whenever I was close to her. I could see her red, puffy eyes from crying and her dark eye bags from probably staying up late. Sometimes I would see cuts on her arms and it pained me to see her in this situation.

On some days, I would follow her home — a couple paces behind her — to check if she was alright.

Sometimes Areum would stop where she was and drop to the ground, sobbing quietly to herself. After a few minutes, she would get back up unsteadily and walk back to her house. I could hear her taking long showers and I hoped that she wasn't considering drowning herself. It's almost as if I could feel what she felt. The pain, the sadness, and the loneliness.

I knew she hated herself. That she just wanted to die and commit suicide.

     And I know that I would never let that happen. Not after I messed up what we had builded up. If I couldn't be by her side forever, I would at least be in the background, a shadow that would support her and never let go.

     On some days, I would lean against the side of her house and I could hear her opening the lights.

     She would be unable to sleep. I hated myself for causing her so much trouble. I wanted to beat myself up for being stupid and for letting her out of my grasp so easily. I should've held her tightly in my arms and been there for her. I disliked the fact that I was so weak and scared.

     "Nobody chose to be born with their flaws or social class and you'll never see a single perfect person in this whole world. There will always be someone better and worse than you. Even if you weren't born with the best of things, you can change some as you head on to the future and grow older. Everyone makes mistakes as well and no one can say that they haven't made one in their whole life. Don't listen to what other people say about you. It's for you to solely judge yourself, not them. There's one thing I can assure you. No matter how you feel or what other people say about you, you're not a mistake. You're a human and so are they. If you're a mistake, then we're all mistakes."

     I'm so sorry for failing you, mother.

     I look up at the window of Areum's house and her lights were noticeably on. I wished I could reach up to her and tell her something. Something that meant so much to me and I hope that it would mean something to her as well.

     "I love you, Areum," I whispered quietly as I walked off.

~

Sorry for the long wait. I've been so busy with my homework. My Global teacher gives me so many essays to write and my living environment is so brutal when it comes to scoring. I might make my chapters have at least 700 words now. I usually do at least 1000 words each chapter, but I've been getting so little free time. But I just want to say to you guys that no one is perfect. I'm not perfect either. What matters is that you're you and you don't need somebody to tell you that you're not. Don't be afraid to be yourself.

Sincerely,
Flora Lee