I should've known.

Chapter Eight.

| BELLES POV |

I snuck out that night to buy more cigarettes, I know, I smoke. You can tell me all you want about how dangerous it is and how I'm ruining my life but I honestly couldn't care less. Do you think I would be slicing up my body like I do if I wanted to care for my body? When I was buying the cigarettes I saw a hip flask and decided I would buy it. I mean what's it gonna hurt, to have another thing to destroy my body with. I realised that I would need to buy liquor to put in the hip flask so I asked the checkout lady where the nearest liquor store was, she pointed me in the direction and off I went. I chose the Smirnoff vodka and of course, the lad behind the counter demanded he see ID. I showed him a fakie and he actually believed it. I once again was off, heading back towards the tour buses. I stopped at a park bench on the way back and filled my hip flask, of course there was more left over in the bottle that I didn't know what to do with. I didn't know how I would be able to sneak such a recognisable alcohol bottle onto the tour bus so I decided to go to the nearest Woolworths and buy a bottle of water this didn't cost me much so I poured all the water out and then filled it with the vodka I had bought. I threw the vodka bottle in the bin and headed back to the tour bus. I had my hip flask with me when I got back on the tour bus and I went into my bed and tucked my waterbottle between my pillows and the bus wall, you could not see the bottle from this position and even if someone did look they wouldn't think it was suspicious. I then decided to head back outside and have a smoke. I chose an area near the stadium to smoke, that I thought was private. It was relieving to take a drag. It's like it's killing me from the inside out, which is what I'm all about. It wasn't long before I heard footsteps "shit" I cursed to myself as I knew I had been caught. "Belle?" I heard a familiar voice say, "Zayn, you have to promise me you won't say anything." "Why the fuck are you smoking?" "One day I'll explain it to you, but you smoke don't you? So you shouldn't be such a hypocrite and just let people do what they want, okay?" "Geez, okay Belle calm down. I won't tell anyone if you give me one." I handed him a smoke and my lighter. "So how did you find me anyway?" I heard you moving around on the bus, I'm a really light sleeper and then I saw the obvious orange dot in the dark from a cigarette. I actually didn't think it would be you though, kinda gave me a scare there." I laughed "no I've been doing this for a while Zayn, you better not tell anyone though or I will never trust you again." "You can trust me Belle, I won't breathe a word to anyone." Alright, well I'm just gonna go back inside" I said while standing up. My jumper sleeve rolled down but luckily it was dark enough that Zayn didn't see anything. I casually rolled my sleeves back down over my hands making sweater paws, just like someone would do if they were cold and headed back onto the tour bus. I walked back into my bunk bed and went out like a light. Smoking always makes me so relaxed making it so much easier for me to fall asleep. I woke up at around 4:30am from a nightmare and I knew that there is no way in hell I was going to be getting back to sleep. I tried to lie back but it was no use. I was up now, I kept myself busy by sipping out of the hip flask. It burned, my god did it burn but just like smoking it was just another thing that was killing me. I am willing to do anything that would help kill me. I mean, I didn't mean it like that I'm not some crazy suicidal freak 'but you are' my head said. I just like things that speed up the process of me dying. See? Not suicidal just sad. Welcome to my fucking sad life. I had now gone through a whole hip flask and could definitely feel a buzz in my bones, I filled up more of the hip flask using my bottle of 'water.' I noted that the waterbottle would only fill about 2 more flasks so I would have to buy a new bottle soon if I was going to keep this up.

I eventually fell back asleep and woke up with a start after opening my eyes and seeing Harrys face right in front of mine. "Jesus, you gave me a heart attack. Don't do that again."he looked at me with a confused face "have you been drinking, you wreak of alcohol." I knew very well what I had been doing but he wasn't going to know that. "No I haven't why would you even ask that." I said getting angry. He dropped the subject but looked at me with what, disguist? I think he was. Oh my god. My own brother is disgusted by me. Tears were forming in my eyes and the apple in my throat was growing, "I'm gonna go shower." He just humphed and let me walk past him. I went to my suitcase to grab a towel, clothes and a razor and then went to the bathroom to shower.

I walked into boiling hot water, i didn't turn on the cold tap and immediately started hacking at my arms trying to distract myself from how disappointed Harry was in me. I just wish I could be perfect and have the perfect life, but no matter how hard I try I will never be one of those people that get along with everyone, that can wake up every morning and truly be happy they're alive. It's just not me at all. The thought of just ending it forever crossed my mind but of course, I never acted on these thoughts. I got out of the shower and hissed when applying the antiseptic cream and putting on the bandages, honestly, this was the worst part. The guilt from what I had just done was consuming me. I regret not doing more to just end it all for good. But, like a routine I got changed put a smile on a walked back out to the boys, but what I saw made me see red. Harry had my suitcase in front of him. it was open and looked like he had been through everything, luckily, I had hidden my blades in the sides of my mattress, in my pillow, in my socks and in the soles of some of the shoes I would never wear - shoes that were purely there for hiding things. "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" "If you're gonna keep hiding things from me I'm forced to go through things to find out what's wrong! I smelt alcohol but I can't find any, where is it?" "I DIDNT HAVE ANY, THATS WHY YOU NEVER SMELT IT YOU WERE IMAGINING IT!" "Look I'm sorry." He said now somber. " NO YOU CAN GET THE FUCK OUT I FUCKING HATE YOU!" He looked hesitant but he quickly rushed out of the room with teary eyes. That boy has got some fucking nerve, he does. Thinking he can go through all my shit. Luckily I had hidden my blades or that would have been a very different conversation. I could hear the other boys trying to calm Harry down. There was a voice that stuck out, Zayns. "Who cares if it even was alcohol, she can do what she wants its her body." "Zayn for fucks sake, if I let her do what she wants with her body she'd die." "She's already starving herself we don't need more." Guilt flooded over my body for making him feel this way but I brushed it off as I set to work re-organising my suitcase. I didn't eat breakfast and the boys didn't even realise, they were all too distracted by the commotion. Not that I minded of course.

I grabbed my cigarettes and walked out to where the boys were. "I'm going for a walk." I stated. "Well someone has to go with you." "I'll go." Piped up Zayn. Phew, at least I can still smoke around him, that would have been awkward otherwise. Once we were both far enough from the bus I took my pack of cigarettes out and silently offered one to Zayn he shook his head so I lit mine and we continued walking in silence. Before we got back to the bus Zayn said "it was dog of him to do that." I turned and looked at him and just kept walking till I went back in the tour bus. I walked in and saw Niall on the couch staring into space. I snapped my fingers in his face. "Where is everyone." He looked at my arms - even with them covered this made me extremely self conscious and said "getting lunch." I turned on my heel and fell on my bunk. Something was definitely wrong with Niall. Hang on, that wasn't where I left my bag and why is it unzipped? Oh shit. I was freaking out. I looked through my bag and the only thing that was missing was the one razor that I had tucked into the phone pocket "fuck." I heard someone shuffle in "you okay, Belle?" Oh fuck he knew that's why he was looking at my arms. I tried to stay as calm as possible "yeah, m'fine" "if you're sure." "I am" oh fuck, he was onto me. He is finding out my secrets. This is the worst case scenario. How am I going to get out of this one?

I walked back out into the living room "belle, can I talk to you?" "Sure" I replied to Niall hesitantly "let's go to the games room" he said, this was the room in the back of the bus. I'm screwed, he's gonna bombard me with questions. Fuck. "Look Belle, Harry told me to look through you carry bag and I said to him I didn't find anything when I actually did." "That fucking bitch i told him to not go through my shit. He just went through my suitcase!" "I know, I know he's just worried about you is all and to be honest now I am too." "Well Niall there is nothing to worry about" "then why did I find this?" He questioned me placing the razor on the couch between us." "What about it?" "Why have you got a razor Belle?" I laughed "Niall it's a refill for my shaver" - smooth move - "I must have just put it in my bag when I was in a rush." "Hmm" he said thinking - there was more he wasn't saying. "So why do you wear long sleeves all the time then?" Think, think, think "well with my eating problems I just don't feel comfortable with my arms, they've always being something I didn't like about myself so I've never really had them shown, in sure eventually when I'm more comfortable and have gained more weight" lies,lies,lies - "I will start wearing short sleeves but now I just don't feel comfortable." He actually looks convinced. Idiot. I fooled him. Although I do feel kinda bad that I just lied, well it's not a complete lie I do hate my body. "Oh, Belle I'm so sorry I just jumped to conclusions I didn't mean to meddle into any of your business, sorry." "Niall it's fine, I would never do that stuff anyway" lie. I opened my arms for a hug and he gladly accepted. I took the razor blade and left the room. I chucked the razor in one of my shoes in my suitcase and walked out to where all the boys were, happily eating lunch.