The Diary Of A Broken Teenage Girl

15 (The Pain)

My kisses burn into your soul,
My touch melts upon your skin,
My eyes reflect my mystery,
Of the darkness deep within,
I'm a waste if time,
So now, I shall die.
-A suicide quote.

  “Dear diary,
  It's my first day of school since mom died, and I'm all smiles. And everyone wants to know how I feel, like there's no other question they could be asking.
  And every time, I smiled and looked them in the eyes and said ‘I'm fine,' I didn't mean it. I lied. Because I was dying on the inside."
- Chrissy's diary.

  I felt like I couldn't breath. Not through my constricted lungs and chest. The pain was just too real and made sure to nag at my chest real hard.

  I'd just watched my best friend die. She'd died right there, in front of me. Oh My God! Is this what Chrissy felt? That night when she'd watched her father beat her mother to death, is this how she'd felt? In so much pain it was hard to cry. And hard to breath.

  I felt breathless. I couldn't breath. It was hard to breath. Not because because the trees around had suddenly decided to stop giving oxygen. No. They provided enough. Too much, I'm afraid. Not because all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room. Not because I had an asthma. Nope.... Far from that.

  But because I was in so much pain every single bone, fibre, artery, nerve, tissue, cell and organ in my body felt it. They felt it so hard it made them weak and hard for them to function properly.

  My head hurt. And so did my eyes. And my mouth. And my chest. And my stomach. How could I be experiencing such physical pain, when the cause of my pain was nothing physical? How could it hurt so much. Was this what it felt to be Chrissy? Helpless? Weak? And in excruciating pain? It hurt like a bitch.

  The tears just wouldn't stop flowing. No matter how much I wipe them. So, I just let them. I needed them anyways.

  My mom said that in order for one to get through pain, one had to let themselves go through the kind of pain that eventually broke them. And John Greene said “Pain is an emotion that deserves to be felt". And I was feeling the pain. And it hurt like a bitch.

  But I didn't seem to be getting through it. It seemed to be getting worse. And worse. And with every single passing day, the pain grew. Worse and worse.

  And then I realised, that this had to be the definition of real pain. One that reached the soul.

  Real. Freaking. Pain.