Ticket Outta Loserville (Trames au)

Chapter 6- James' POV

I'm so glad that it's the end of the week and I can finally go home. It's pretty much been the week from hell- I totally embarrassed myself by crying in front of Tristan of all people, then my team, and we had the first big game of the year yesterday. I've been so stressed, and it's not even all over now. I should have been more excited about our win given I'm the captain, but my mind is in a whole other place as I'm trying to keep a huge secret to myself- I have this cool popular kid vibe, I can't have the whole school knowing I'm gay.

It's not that I don't want to be gay, it's more that I don't know how people will react- what if everyone hates me? The only person who knows is my sister, and that's only because she found me crying in my room and refused to leave until I told her what was wrong. She was totally cool with it, but I don't know if everyone else will be. 

Honestly, I've cried so much over this that it's actually embarrassing. It all got to me on Monday, which was why I was crying when Tristan found me. I didn't tell him why, but I didn't tell my friends either- Scott just sat with his arm around me awkwardly whilst I sobbed. Thankfully, I can have some time away from everything and just chill out. "Hi Mum!" I call as I walk into the house. 

My mum walks out the living room and kisses my cheek. "Hi my lovely." she says. "How are you?"

"Fine." I lie. I feel guilty about it- I hate lying to my mum about anything. I go up to my room and put on some music, and I end up falling asleep- being stressed really takes it out of you. Before I know it, I'm being called down to dinner. When I go downstairs, I'm surprised to see my dad there as normally, he's so busy working that he barely sees us.

"James!" he says as I sit down. "How are you?"

"I'm alright." I shrug. My sister gives me a sympathetic look, and I smile sadly back at her. 

Whilst they're eating, I can't bring myself to- I'm just pushing the food around my plate with a fork. My mum notices, and she slips her hand into mine under the table. "Are you ok?" she asks, so gently it makes me want to cry again. I nod, and she just squeezes my hand sympathetically. I still can't force myself to eat anything, but I try.

I get a shock when my dad asks me "So, how was the game?"

I'm so overwhelmed I barely register it. "What game?"

"The one you played yesterday?" he prompts. To be honest, I'm surprised he remembered- he doesn't really care normally. 

"Oh." I say. "It was good. We won."

"Good." my dad says, though I can tell he isn't really listening. Suddenly, it all gets too much. I let out a stifled sob before getting up from the table and running out of the room. I sprint upstairs to my bedroom and collapse into my chair. I put my head between my knees, something that I think is meant to slow down breathing. And there, in the privacy of my room, I cry yet again. Silent tears stream down my cheeks as I try to stop the sobs. 

There's a gentle knock on the door, and before I know it, a hand is running through my hair. "Baby." my mum says quietly.

I try to sit up, rubbing my eyes. "I'm fine." I whisper.

My mum kneels next to me and starts wiping my tears. "No, sweetheart, you aren't. What's wrong?"

I try to calm down enough to talk to her. "Why can't I be normal?" I blurt out.

She starts to rub my back softly and I can feel my heart rate rapidly increasing. "What do you mean?" she asks quietly. 

I sigh, then take a deep, shaky breath. "Why do I have to be gay? Why is it me who likes boys instead of girls?"

My mum sits up and hugs me properly. "Oh baby." she whispers, wiping my tears away. "You know that that's ok right?" I don't reply, and she kisses my forehead. "Does anyone else know?" she asks. 

I nod weakly. "Soph does. She was ok with it."

"That's because it is ok." my mum says firmly yet lovingly.

"I know." I whisper. "I just don't feel like that now."

"It'll get better." my mum says quietly. "I promise. And you know that I'll always love you no matter what." I nod again, but I can't force any more words out- I just cling to her and let the tears flow as she rubs my back. After a while, she says "Come here baby." and guides me to my bed. She then tucks me under the duvet and sits on the bed next to me. Then she just holds my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze every so often. 

Soon enough, I'm beginning to drop off- it's been a long, emotional evening and I'm exhausted. My mum leans down and kisses my forehead. "Sweet dreams my darling." she whispers.

"I love you." I say quietly.

"I love you too." she tells me. She then gets up and turns off the light, leaving me in peace. I'm glad she was cool with it, but the fact that I haven't told my dad (who's the person most likely to have a problem with it) doesn't know yet is still stuck in my head. But that's a worry for tomorrow. Right now, I need to sleep. As I drift off, I'm comforted by knowing how much my mum loves me and how accepting she was- I just hope it's the same for everyone else.

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This was nearly a thousand words, I'm proud. Poor James though, now we find out why he's the way he is....

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