Rant Book-OnGoing

Helpless (Original Short By: Thomas B. )

here again, that same place I've told myself i wouldn't ever find myself in over a thousand times. My head was spinning, I deserve this. That's what I told myself as I dragged a razor across my wrist again and again. I layed there watching my arm bleed.

The tingling subsided turning into a slight burning feeling. I looked around at the blood smeared all over the bathroom floor, "My what a mess we've made this time." I told myself as I propped myself up.

I put my my fathers gun to my temple slowly my hand trembled as I contemplated pulling the trigger. My eyes full of tears ready to say goodbye to everything.

"No!" I sobbed, I couldn't do it not yet.

After cleaning up a bit, i put bandages over my cuts and hide the gun where it came from. Going to my room, I avoid anyone that would bother me, ask if I'm alright or "what's wrong?"

What's wrong...? its hard to answer when nothing is right. Too tired to live but too much of a coward to kill myself.

The night was cold, the moon casted a ghostly light through the window. I looked up to the sky, giving one last glance at the moon before jumping into bed.

I'm not happy. I haven't felt happiness for a long time, but no one knows that. Not all scars show, not all wounds heal, and sometimes to understand you need to feel what I feel.

I'm Jeremy Parker and this is this is my story.

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The next morning, the sun woke me up. Scorching my eyes as It blazed through the window. I sat up, squinting at the numbers on my alarm clock, they seemed way too bright.

"Shit its 8:16 already." I sank back into my bed. I didn't have the energy to get up today anyway, I'm sure everyone forgot about me and left.

I hear my phone vibrate against the wooden frame of my bed, It was my girlfriend Rachael .

-Hey you

-hey Rachel what's up?

-nothing much, we just didn't get the chance to talk last night I've just been worried about you.

-well I'm good don't worry about me.

I had to lie through my teeth. She couldn't know about my night, no one could.

-Well i just wanted you to know I'm here for okay, you just talk to me when you're ready.

-yeah I guess, I don't feel very good I'm gonna head back to bed and sleep this off alright.

Jeez...when do the lies ever stop. To my girlfriend too...

-kay, I'll be here.

I'm so tired of pretending to be okay talking like everything is perfect when my whole life is a lie, I'm tired of pretending like its not hurting me.

I'm slowly falling apart. I thought Rachel would save me but... I'm starting to think that could never happen...i can't be saved...and that kills me even more.

I didn't want to be around anyone anymore, yet I want her company more than anything else.

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It was dark and hazy, There was a fog around me where I lay on the floor.

I was in a daze my ears ringing. Blood slowly trickled down my arms. I looked down at the cuts I had made long and deep running down both arms.

I looked down at the gun again and loaded one bullet in, "I'm sorry." I whispered as I raised the gun to my head.

BANG!!!

I woke up safe and sound on my bed gasping for air like I had been holding my breath.

I checked my arms, only the smaller cuts I had made the night before. But it felt so real. From the cuts, to pulling the trigger... I felt everything.

"Jeremy, you're awake!" I heard a familiar voice from the couch.

"Rachel? how did you get in here?" I asked sitting up quickly, wrapping my blanket around me covering my cuts.

Rachel sat up and joined me on the bed, "I let myself in, you told me you left a key above the door remember?"

"Oh, sorry, I'm just a little surprised you're here." I layed back down and she joined me under the covers.

"You know you can tell me right? about your dream?" she said bringing herself closer to me making me blush a little.

"Its nothing, just a bad dream. I'll be alright." I say, lying to her again.

"You practically woke up screaming for help Jer, don't you lie to me I know it wasn't nothing." She inched her way closer till I felt her warmth on mine, "sure you don't wanna talk about it?" She asked once more.

I tried to hold it back but I couldn't help but burst out in tears. "Hey, it's okay, it was just a dream don't worry love I'm here," Rachel wrapped her arms around me holding my head against her chest, "listen you hear that this is real my heartbeat is real I'm real, it was only a dream Jer."

"It wasn't just a dream though," I cried out pushing myself away from her, "I killed myself and I almost did the same last night."

"What do you mean?" She asked worried, "what happened?"

I wiped my tears away, "something inside me snapped it broke, I thought I was going to end it last night," I sighed, "I put a gun to my head and...I...I just couldn't."

" Jeremy Parker how could you do that to me?, I'm sorry that you had to go through that...but," Emily started to cry, "you can't just leave me behind Jer what about us, I'm not scolding you I just...it's hard for me to understand why."

"It doesn't matter I'm still here anyway," I wiped her tears away with my thumb, "I'm sorry I did that."

"It does matter Jer, what happens when it happens again and you do pull the trigger, what am I gonna do then."

"I'm sorry Rachel you don't need this in your life, I should be happy and trying to enjoy things I just can't, I don't know what's wrong with me." I said.

"Come here," she climbed on top of me straddling my waist, " there's nothing wrong with you at all," she kissed me and layed her head on my chest, "don't speak that way cause I won't allow you, you're too young to live this way," she looked up to me and smiled brushing her light blonde hair out of her face, "I promise everything will be alright."

I liked when she used lines from my favorite bands help cheer me up.

"I'm an angel with a shotgun, fighting till the wars won" I sang to her. "I promise never again as long as I'm with you I know I'll be okay."

"I'm glad you feel that way." Her words rang through my ears like an angel singing into my ears the song of a thousand suns.

She kissed me, and huddled into the crook of my neck looking up waiting for me to close my eyes before curling up into me, we soon nodded off to sleep in our embrace.