Rant Book-OnGoing

Why

Why.
Is the question
Why me?

There's nothing special about me.
I'm Fucked up. I've had a Fucked up life that has ruined me.
My mother was a bit cheaper who tried to make me Harry Potter.

I've had an ex try to turn me into a sex slave and move me across the country with him.

I've had an ex beat me and make me feel that I am nothing but an annoyance. My problems were nothing. My life was nothing.

I was only liked in school because I was smart. I was used.

I'm still used.

My problems don't matter to anyone. My friends just want me to fix their shit for them because they can't do it themselves.

I'm wanted by men now for my body.
They don't give a flying duck about who I really am. I'm just another nice piece of ass for them to brag about to their friends. Another notch in their belt.

The shit in my life that has happened has been designed to me to make me hate myself. And guess what. It's succeeded.

Everything and everyone in my life had made me feel like a ducking piece of shit. And that's EXACTLY what I am.

I mean duck I should be happy right? I have a husband who loves me and a job that gives me money enough to survive and I'm good at it and loved at my job.

That same job I hate to death.

That same husband, isn't the same man I married. He's half that man. Almost literally. He's a cancer patient, he's dying now. Doctors given him 6 months. I have to take care of him. As in like literally be a nurse to him. Give him meds. Give him bed baths. Help feed him sometimes because he's so drugged up he can't stay awake to eat properly. I have to change the diapers of a full grown man.  Because he is unable to know when he needs to go to the restroom nor can he get up any to go to the restroom.

I can't have a physical relationship anymore with him. Which means I've now asked him to be okay with a polyamourus marriage so I can take care of my needs.

I'm now a step mother to a child who is 5 years younger than I am. A teenager. I'm 21, and now a mother to a teen. That is a HUGE change on top of everything else.

I have lost 2 children already and now I no longer can have any. The pain of that sits with me every day.

I've started smoking again.
I've started doing other shit.
Because I can't face it anymore.
I cant deal with it 
I fucking hate it.

My life,
My job,
My marriage,
My friends,
Everything basically
And most of all
Myself.

For hating everything I should be happy about.

For not wanting to do the shit I have to do for my husband till it's his time.

For wanting to run away.
For wanting to be with another man because I can't ignore my needs.

For caring so much about this man.
The only thing in my life that doesn't make me feel like shit. The only thing in my life making me happy right now.

The only person in my life who cares about me. Who makes me the priority.  Or at least it's what it feels like to me. I shouldn't I'm married. But I do.

And I am afraid one day he is going to see. The demons inside. The true demons. The ones eating me alive.
The ones in my head that I have become.

And that when he sees the rotting core that is the real me behind the mask that everyone sees. He's going to run off. Away from me. Abandon me like everyone else does. Cast me aside ones he's done with me like the rest have. That he will hate me.

I hate myself for being afraid.
I hate myself for being weak like this.
I hate myself for needing him and Not just for the bedroom.

I hate that I'm still living.
I hate this world.
I'm not happy and haven't been for a long time.
I wish I was dead.

I wish I could be saved. But I can't. No one can save me now. The demons have me in their arms and own my heart, my body, my soul, my mind.

I want to cry and scream at the world.
But I have no tears left to shed. I was told time and time again to not cry because my husband didn't have the energy to deal with my problems. They are an annoyance. So I stopped crying. I can't anymore.

I am drowning in their arms and their embrace, yet now it's the only place I can find comfort. And it's probably where I am going to die.

If only... sadly, but gladly I guess I wasn't to much of a coward to take myself and my plague, my demons away from this world and down in he'll where I belong.