Secondhand Life

Chapter 22

Ash's P.O.V.

"Ash, I love you." Maria said sending shivers down my body. And not the shivers of the cold fall air, but rather shivers of warmth.

In love? With me? There's no way in hell that Maria could love me. It must be all in her head-

That's what I was thinking until she interrupted my train of thought with a tight hug. I couldn't react. Hell, I couldn't even think. I stood there limp and nervous to touch her. I still wasn't sure what to believe. When she let go I stared at her for what seemed like forever then tears started to form. One dropped down my cheek, one after the other until I was crying into my hands for no reason.

"What's wrong with me?" I said getting more angry at myself every second. I pulled against my hair and yelled to myself. How could I be so rude to her. I kicked her out when she was telling the truth.

But now, what was I supposed to think about Maria? Were we friends? Was she in a one sided love affair? I truly didn't know.

"Ash." She said quietly. "Don't beat yourself up about this." She said and held me gently making sure not to hurt me. She wiped all my tears away slowly and spoke once more. "You don't have to say anything right now. I know this is a lot to process and please, take all the time you need before you tell me anything. I want to make sure you're ready to talk to me. Even if you want to remain friends, I want you to take your time." Maria finished talking and held my fragile frame for awhile longer until I gently pulled away and looked at her with tears in my eyes which she seemed to adore.

"Maria." I said looking at the ground.

"Yes?" She responded inching her way a bit closer to me.

"I want to stay friends." I said softly and scared like. I didn't want her to hit me but I already prepared myself for it. I put my hands over my head and was ready for the impact when instead of her fist, her words struck me instead.

"Ash... it's completely okay. I'm not going to hurt you anymore and I understand, you're young. You need time to get ready for relationships-"

"No Maria..." I said. "I don't want to date you... ever."

Now the shivers in my body were no longer warm. They were ice cold like the wind.

Maria stood silent for awhile and smiled at the floor.

"I get it..." She said holding back tears. "I understand why you wouldn't love me. You're scared of me..."

And the part of all of this that hurt me most was in the end, Maria was right.

The reason I couldn't love her, is because I was scared of her.