Book Of Thoughts

@tbhhashley

I want to be the one who comes back and makes everything okay again. I'll push away my problems because I want to make you happy again. I want to explain to Briella how beautiful she is, I want to tell Shawn to either try harder or completely leave because your mom doesn't deserve that kinda shit, I want to make you see how pretty and beautiful you are and that you don't need Matthew because he's a piece of undeserving shit. Like, he cheated on you, he's not worth your tears now or ever.

 I want to make everything okay I really do. But I don't know how. I honestly want to I promise you because you are my best goddamn friend like no one can replace you. I have met tons of people here at Bonny Eagle and some are actually really nice and I can rely on them but I wanna see you because you've been there the longest.

 God fucking dammit Ashley you're really the best person in my life right now, because i can't deal with the stress at home and Diane always telling me to try harder and yelling at me for one thing or the other. You keep saying you're a mess, but I'm equally a mess. You say you don't really know anymore but I'm equally as lost in my mind as you are. 

We're really the same, Ashley. Just two heartbroken teens lost in this world and just trying to find our place. I wish I could tell you it's all gonna be okay but we both know I'd be lying if I did.... So all I'll say for now is that I believe in you. I believe you can get better. I believe you can get through this. I believe in you, Ashley, and I have faith that someday we'll see each other again and everything will be okay.

I'll make it all okay I really really will. I have people here that I love so so much but Ashley I'm going to visit you and if I don't visit you soon I will literally throw a fit at my case worker or my therapist and then they'll have no choice but to make it happen because they'll say I need it.

I'll even say not seeing you is making me unstable. Then they'll have to do it. I have abandonment issues and they know that and I could easily be having those issues over you. Fuck, I probably am, Ashley. I'm having fucking abandonment issues over you. Not seeing you is actually taking a toll on me. It makes it hard to sleep at night it makes it hard for me to focus at school it makes me not hungry for dinner or breakfast holy fuck the only time I ever eat these days is at lunch because I miss you so fucking much it takes away my appetite.

Remember last year sitting on the tar on the basketball court and talking about all our issues and complaining about our families?

Or when we would head in from recess and Logan and Anthony would smack there heads off of the stop sign out front?

And when I beat up Anthony and he didn't even tell on me and the teacher didn't even see?

And in Mrs. Moulton's class how we never did our work but she didn't even care?

Then of course how we met when I said all I could think of was Batman riding pink fluffy unicorns and you told me I should write about it?

We made so many memories in those 3 months we had together and we have so many more memories to make so lets hold onto this time while we can and remember that there is not a lot of time that we have together so we need to make the moments last.

I fucking love you Ashley Slaughter.

~Your best friend,

Smokey <3