Whirlwind Of Emotions

Questions

I always wondered why people fell in love if they knew they could get hurt. I always wondered why someone would risk feeling depressed over something they couldn't control happening. I wondered if it was avoidable and I did, I tried to avoid this feeling like a plague, but every time I saw you my heart couldn't control itself, my palms got all sweaty and I just couldn't form a single congruent sentence. I wonder if this is just me or if everyone who has a crush gets this way, I wonder if it's this hard for everyone or if you just make it this hard for me.

You might not notice but I do really care about what happens to you, if I ever saw you cry, which I hardly ever do, I would try to comfort you in any way I can. I would try to remind you of how amazing you are, I would die trying to make you understand that a smile in your face is the only thing that makes me get out of bed every day, nothing else.

Last week you were alone in your locker when I walked into school, as I walked past I got this sudden urge to walk up to you and say hi, something I don't do very often, but the closer I got the more nervous I felt, I could feel my heart beating uncontrollably and my brain was screaming for me to tell you everything. My hands were shaking and I chickened out but just as I was about to leave you turned around and walked up to me. You might not have been able to see it but I was dying inside, my heart was doing flips and I had butterflies in my stomach. You simply said hi and asked me how my day was going and I remember very clearly that I said pie. I don't know why that is the only word that came out of my mouth but you probably didn't hear because I murmured it. I wish I could have answered like a normal person and made you feel like I actually cared about your question but you walked away with a confused look on your face.

I am so sorry for that I should have answered you, I should try to at least talk to you, but it terrifies me, not because you're scary but because I feel like if I say a single word to you you'll run away having figured my feeling towards you. I feel like if I talk to you nothing I do would matter because you would no longer see me as the same person, I would rather you think I'm an idiot or just plain crazy than you realize how deep into my soul you've gotten.

I do hope one day I can master up the courage to let you know that you are my reason for breathing and that only you could ever change my life but until that day comes I would rather you just see me as a friend, because at least this way I've got you in some way. If I told you my feelings there you would be no turning back and I would probably die if I lost you. So until the day I know I will no longer have to bare this feeling for we are graduating soon, until that day I would rather you see me as a friend who you can always count on and who weirdly only talks to you by text and never in person, than someone who you can't even look at because that would break my heart and I would not be able to keep on going, I just love you too much.