Nakaupo ako sa gilid ng kama. Kanina puro sakit lang ang nararamdaman ko pero ngayon, namamanhid na ata ako. Hindi lang sa mga sugat na 'to kundi sa... lahat.
Natanaw ko ang ilang pasa sa katawan ko. These bruises reminds me of the sweetest pain and my love. My sweet sacrifice. Pero kailangan iyong mawala. Isa akong modelo at isa 'to sa mga puhunan ko.
He treats her like a fragile doll while he can't even look at me with the same intensity he gives her. It's okay if get hurt but never her. She's has to come first. One time, I've had this dream of a zombie apocalypse.
We ran until the end but still the zombies have reached us. He asked me to cover her so she will not die and I obliged. They escaped and left me there. I'm damned while they lived happily ever after at the safe place.
I woke up laughing and crying of both pain and exasperation. If I can be the master of my dreams, I wouldn't let them get the best of me. But when I saw him sleeping peacefully beside me, I stopped. I remembered that I will do everything for him. Anything for his happiness.
I've been asking since then, anong meron siya na wala ako? Mas maganda at mas successful naman ako. Pero oo nga pala, siya si Noie at ako lang si Elitheiya. That's enough reason. No but's, it says it all.
Ramdam ko parin ang dalang hapdi nito pero mas nananaig ang sakit na nararamdaman ko sa puso ko ngayon habang siya, mahimbing lang na natutulog. Ilang beses ko nang naitanong sa sarili ko... bakit ko ba hinahayaang gawin niya sa akin 'to?
But then maalala ko na ginusto ko nga pala 'to. The moment that he looked at me intensely at the bar. The moment I got in that room. The moment I kissed him back. That how it was to all begin.
White sheets... white lies. He told me he loves me but his eyes tells otherwise. It's so cold. His love is gray that gives me shiver down the spine. Bite my lip, close my eyes and let the waves take me to the unknown. Foreign feelings that I used to love but now i'm doubting.
Ang alam ko mahal ko siya. Sobra pa sa sobra. Sobra na kaya kong titiisin lahat ng 'to. Na kahit na walang naibabalik sakin kundi sakit ay kaya kong mag tiis pa just to keep him and feel him. To make him surround me. Para maging parte ako ng mundo niya.
Unrequited man ay ayos lang. Even though he says sweet nothings, I know he doesn't mean it. It's bound for someone else. Hindi niya lang kayang sabihin sakanya. Even with or without those lies, I would still give in to him.
All I need is his presence and his eyes focused on me when were together. Hindi yung sa likod siya nakatingin, sa tunay na mahal niya. Tinitignan kung nakatingin rin ba. Kung nag seselos ba. Is it too much to ask? Bakit 'di niya magawa?
Funny how I am nothing while he is my everything. I'm a sucker for his affection. Because maybe, just... maybe, he just forgot to love me.
So here i am, doing everything just to reminding him. Even if it includes stumbling many times, looking stupid and... hurting.
I know he is trying. Sinusubukan niya namang mahalin at ituon ang pansin niya sakin pero hanggang ngayon wala paring progress. I know it's hard. But if i ever, I would never ask for more than his love.
I'm staying because i'm thinking that he was just blinded. Na marerealize niya na nasa harap niya lang ang hinahanap niya all along. Pero kelan ba? When is the slap of reality? How long can i wait? When will i ever stop loving him? Walang sagot. The answers on my questions are also further, confusing, longer questions.
Napatingin ako sa pintuan ng nakarinig ako ng katok. Agaran kong pinunasan ang luha na takas sa mata ko. I have to look strong. Inayos ko ang sarili ko at ibinaba ang isang strap ng lingirie na suot ko. I bit my lip to make it look plumpier. I have to look like i've just had it. She has to envy me sometimes, you know. Hindi parating ako na lang.
