I didn't see the truck coming.
I didn't hear it skid.
I didn't feel the impact.
I didn't taste the pain on the tip of my tounge with each roll of the car.
I was numb.
'Dan, please, dear god hear me, I love you. I love you, I love y, I lo, I...'
It all happened so fast. The paramedics came and then went in a muted haze of flashing lights and sirens. Me with them every step of the way. It happened so, so fast that I can only remember hearing muffled voices of panic and authority, "Get him on the stretcher! Hurry! He's losing to much blood! Get him in the van! Drive!" And then a quiet hum from, I presume, the engine and then, Silence. Utter peaceful but terrifying silence.
I found out later I hospital that we were t-boned but a truck drivers side. He didn't see us at first in the small car but when he did, it had been raining, and he couldn't stop in time. His vehicle was fine besides some broken glass and a dent in the metallic bull bar. However, our car flipped three times and then slammed into a power pole passenger side, bending the metal like a contortionist. I was lucky to survive.
I was in a critical but stable state. I had 3 fractured ribs, multiple grazes, a broken leg and more than a dozen bruises but was otherwise, ok.
Dans condition, I didn't know. No news was being passed between nurses and they refused to let me see him. I felt cold and alone without him in the room; by my side, 'my love, where are you'
*****
Dan later died in surgery. He lost to much blood. His broken ribs tore into his lungs which then began to fill with blood. Essentially he drowned on the inside.
The news came to me like a freight train. Hard and fast. I screamed and fought the nurses to see him, to see him again, one last time. I hurt, everywhere. I'm breaking, slowly and I'm lost, without my love, "PLEASE!! JUST LET ME SEE HIM! DAN! DAN PLEASE WAKE UP! I BEG OF YOU!!! OH GOD, DAN!!"
I returned home two weeks after the accident, I had a leg and arm brace, a few stitches and red, puffy cheeks that stung like salt on a wound.
I didn't talk to my parents for the entire time I was at the hospital, I couldn't. I couldnt think, my mind was reserved for Dan, and he was gone. Forever. Thus my mind was blank, blank like fresh paper.
I somehow then found myself, while climbing the stairs in our... my, apartment, that I skipped my floor entirely. I just kept Climbing. Climbing further towards my escape from it all. The more I climbed the more numb I became to every feeling other than sorrow.
The only question echoing in my mind each step I took was, 'How do you stop a heart from breaking when its the only thing you feel?'
When i reached the top of the stairs, i found the answer: you stop the heart. So that's what I did.
Heights never scared me, I used to come up to the roof of our... my apartment with dan and gaze at the stars, pointing out constellations in each others eyes. Now the stars were packed away, unneeded, unwanted. Why have them if I couldn't share them with the one I loved.
I hopped up onto the ledge of the building, several floors from the ground, and I closed my eyes. Breathing in the thick air of loss and breathing out the desperation of release from it. I opened my eyes to see a blurred marage of tears and my life flashing before my life, like a dream. From my childhood, my mothers soft voice. To my teens, all the roads i took to get to where i was today. And then finally, painfully, to Dan. Him moving in, his dimple, his voice, his touch, his everything. I couldn't stand this flashback of love and hurt and loss. Everything just made me hurt even more
So I jumped. Closing my eyes tight, just picturing Dan with me, holding my hand, telling me his vows and how much he can't wait to see me again. On the other side.
'I'll see you soon dan, as soon as, I feel the absense of my heart beat,' I fell, 'and only when you are next to me,' And then, 'shall I rest' I broke.
---------------
A/N.
This is the end.
I'm sorry.
So. So. So. So. So sorry.
