Loved Me Back to Life

Chapter 2

Entry August 13, 2013

 'Dear diary…

Me and my mom had to go to the freshman orientation so that I could get my classes set and that was the hardest day of my life. After I got my classes together they placed us in groups and gave us a tour of the campus and had us play icebreakers. The entire time we were walking, I was thinking of a way to escape because I couldn't handle it. I was already getting looks from the other attendees because I was in the back sweating and shaking profusely then we finally passed a bathroom so I ran into a stall and began throwing up the contents of my stomach. It hurt really bad because I hadn't eaten in almost a month so I was just dry heaving. I ran back to my mom pleading from my expression to go home. But since we got home two weeks ago my anxiety has been getting really bad. I've been locking myself in my room, still not eating, and distancing myself from my family even more than usual. It's not on purpose, I just can't help but create these scenarios about how 'real' school is gonna be. Teachers calling me in front of the class to speak, people looking at me like I'm an outcast, and getting bullied everyday for the next four years. I can't believe my mom's actually making me do this! Of course I'm happy that she's got a job, but... I don't know how I'm gonna survive this. Ok well, I have to go now cause if I don't I'll start crying. Bye x' 

After closing my diary and placing it back in my drawer, I pulled out a little black book that had blank pages, well they weren't blank anymore because of my poems, and nothing on the cover then sat on my bed and plugged in my headphones. I put on "Terrible Love" by Birdy and went into my own little world just letting the words flow through the ink of the pen onto my paper. 

'With her head hung low

and nowhere to go

She can't explain

this mysterious pain

It comes on so fast

How long will it last

Her heart is just pounding, her head starts to spin

Please go away, she does not want you in

She's uncontrollably crying

It feels like she's dying

Her body is trembling, her hands start to shake

She feels so helpless with this horrible ache

Someone, please help her, make this go away

She can't stand to feel this way one more day

Someone, please help her, she's down on her knees

She's scared and helpless and hopes no one sees

With her head hung low

not knowing where to go

She tries to explain

This mysterious pain'

When I finished writing I hadn't noticed I started to cry until a tear splashed onto my paper. The mixture of the music I was listening to and my emotions obviously got the best of me. I read over the words that I had just written down and it was actually one of my favorites that I've ever done. The next song that played on my phone was Labrinth ft. Emeli Sandé "Beneath" and I didn't even bother trying to write to it because this song is so beautiful I just laid back on my bed and close my eyes allowing myself to slip into a state of insensibility.

'Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?

Would you let me see beneath your perfect?