Loved Me Back to Life

Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Entry September 16, 2013

'Dear diary, I know I haven't written in a while, but that was because I thought I could handle things on my own, but after that traumatic night a few weeks back things haven't really been the same for me. I've recently started doing something that I regret and am certainly not proud of. Purging. The only reason I do it is because I've been hanging out with Liam and Zayn more and all they do is eat and they started noticing that… well that I don't. And Liam said that he's gonna make me eat cause he can't have me disappearing on him. If he only knew that's all I wanted. So to satisfy them and not have them worrying about me, I eat. It's as little as I can possibly get away with, because they tend to watch me like a hawk and I usually drink a lot of water so I get full faster and can stop eating. I hate it so much because every bite that I take, even if it's a salad with no dressing, I feel disgusting and bloated and the need to throw up. I do it right before we leave the place we were at by excusing myself to the bathroom, then popping in some gum right after. I hate myself more every time I get on my knees in front of the toilet, but right now it's my only way to keep myself from gaining weight. I'll write again soon. x'

I placed my diary back into my drawer, hiding it under a stack of papers so nobody could find it then got ready for my class. I put on my CSUEB sweatshirt with a pair of jeans and my gray converse. I felt more than uncomfortable because I haven't worn jeans in so long but I couldn't wear my sweats because they were all dirty. I don't even know how these jeans got here cause I know for a fact that I didn't pack them, I wouldn't do that to myself. My mom must've snuck them in there. She always hated the fact that I started wearing sweats and sweatshirts all the time. I don't know why though. But now thanks to her, people are going to be able to see how big my thighs really are and how much they actually jiggle when I walk. They're gonna judge me so hard for it. Whether it's out loud or in their heads it's still gonna happen. I started shaking at the thought and I was literally debating on whether or not I should go to class. Don't just think I'm trying to get out of class because I promise that's not the case. Nobody here has seen what I look like under the baggy clothes I wear everyday and I prefer to keep it that way. I'm not ready for the stares and whispers although I know they're inevitable. Why does this have to happen today? The day hasn't even started and it's already bad.

Well, today's Monday so I have two classes, and my first class doesn't start until 10:40am and it's only 9:30, but I like being there early because I get to pick the seat right next to the door. This was my math class that I shared with Michelle, my first "friend" that I met on the bart. She wanted to walk with me to class until she found out that I leave extremely early and skip breakfast and she thought I was weird for it, which isn't really a surprise. But she did want me to save her a seat because she didn't want me freaking out in case someone asked me to borrow a pencil. How considerate of her. 

Besides picking my seat, I go early because it gives me time to be alone and extra time to write my poems. Don't get me wrong, I honestly do enjoy the six people, Ariel, Katie, Liam, Zayn, Harry and Michelle, that hang around me, but sometimes it gets a little annoying because I'm constantly being forced to eat then throw it up and writing to answer their questions, so it's nice to just be with myself. I guess that makes sense? Anyway, when I made it to my classroom, I chose my usual seat, pulled out my notebook, and began writing.

Tears Tears go away

Why must you come back almost everyday

You remind me of my pain

You remind me of my past

Why can't you go away

Just let this happiness last