Letters To Autumn (2016)

24

Dear Autumn,

I guess I owe you an explanation of why I haven't written to you in a while. Friday night and Saturday morning were so great, and so was Saturday afternoon and evening. But I guess Saturday is when things started to cloud over in my head.

I love hanging out with my friends more than anything, but sometimes when I'm in a big group of people my brain can take a turn for the worst. I'm a pretty shy and quiet person, even around my friends, and sometimes something will switch inside me and I'll notice how everyone's been talking over me and I feel- I know- I'm not an important member of the group. Once my head started feeling like this I fell asleep, Autumn. The morning was similar, and I was offered a helpful distraction in the way of watching one of my favorite shows with my best friend for a few hours at my house. My brain definitely turned sour again though, and I'm pretty sure I just laid in my room on my phone for a long time, watching the light outside turn from bright to dim, from dim to dark. I made the decision then to take the day off school the next day, to give myself a break and a rest.

Honestly I'm not sure if it helped. I still feel sad, Autumn, and I can't figure out why. Maybe there's no reason why. Maybe the lack of a reason is what's so frustrating. Maybe the way that I keep convincing myself no one cares and that I'm being silly anyway is making it worse.

I know it will get better though, Autumn, because it always does. Even if the good only lasts a few days, a few weeks, a few hours, a few seconds, it still comes. Happiness still visits me; sometimes she doesn't pack her bags for a long trip, but she stops by anyway. That's what I've gotta keep going for.

It's getting so cold, Autumn. Thank you for that. For some reason the sound of my heater starting up and shooting warm air through the cracks in the vents always fills me with warmth and love. It reminds me of winters when I was a kid, Christmas mornings and New Years nights. I just love that, Autumn. That a sound can carry memories, carry feelings.

Here's to a better tomorrow, Autumn. We both deserve it.

Author's Note: Special shout-out to sherlocked99 for listening to me when my brain is feeling bad. You're the real MVP. ❤️