Dear Ex-Crushes

To: The Guy Who Hurt Me Greatly

To: The Guy Who Hurt Me Greatly

Dear Im Jaebum,

The actual whole reason why I decided to write to all my ex-crushes is because I've developed some type of trauma from you. Not only you, but as well as another person. But that's another letter, probably the one after this. As of now, I'll concentrate on the story of us. 

You. I have no better words to say but... I just feel like whenever I see you, I can't help but hate you. I guess it's no surprise when you got hurt over someone, right? No hard feelings. Just remainder of what we couldn't ever achieve.

When you came into my life, I never expected so much. I never thought it'd end up this way. Honestly, now that it's been months since it happened, I'm fine. It's like everything we experienced or gone through before was nothing but a memory that burned down in a fire.

I don't want to go into details the same way I did for Minseok and Hongseok's letters because then I'd be retrieving memories that I happily burned down. Instead, I'll talk about the feelings I gained because of you.

At first, it was neutral. I didn't feel anything towards you. You were just like a new friend to me. Then you kept saying you were hurt or saying things like you didn't want to disturb me or whatever. Blabber. That's what I thought you were doingㅡor saying. Simply blabbering.

I grew tired and fed up of you. Even thought you were pathetic since the rumor of you liking me spread around to different classes but you were hurt at that time. I don't know, it just seemed like a pathetic act for you to do. The usual pity from others and making me look like the bad guy act. Whatever, man.

Then it started to get to me. I didn't like people being hurt because of me. So I tried to apologized and cheer you up but you said you were fine and I could obviously tell you were not.

Somehow, we managed to become good friends again. I wasn't sure if you still liked me or not, but I felt myself getting attached to you. Which was bad. Really, really bad.

I don't want to go through all those times again. It's bad enough to experience it once. It's even worse to go through those horrible memories after finally getting rid of the feelings it gave meㅡor the entire thing going numb.

Yes, eventually, I fell for you. I hate myself for doing that. It wasn't worth itㅡthat love. I feel very foolish for doing that. But for a short momentㅡas if it was like a dreamㅡI was happy.

I was always the type to never show interest that much. I hid my feelings. You can say I'm a hard to get girl. But when I feel like you'll lose interest, I'll do just that. I'll show you a few signs, drop a few hints and you're the first guy I've ever done that to. But I regret doing all of that. Like usual, it wasn't worth it at all.

I didn't knew when to confess but I wanted to. I was sillyㅡcaught up in some stupid daydream. Then one day, you were different. All our chats that were usually fun suddenly changed. You know you're a sensitive boy, right? It's hard to deal with you sometimes because you get hurt over the slightest insult and even get a little mad. So that day when it changed... you know what happened. I won't say it in detail, but, instead, summarize the most I can.

Your replies weren't as fun anymore. You acted... distant. That was when you confessed that you were losing interest in me. That was the time I confessedㅡtalk about horrible timingㅡbut you still said you were losing interest.

Funny how we promised each other we'd still be friends but now we didn't even spare a glance at each other at school before we graduated. You became like a ghost that haunted me, but as time went by, it almost felt as if you were non-existent to my life.

Over time, I realized what exactly you wereㅡa playboy. Then I also realized that I lied to you a lot without even knowing it. You once asked me if I ever thought of you as a playboy, and I answered no. Obviously, I didn't know you too well back then to realize that you were exactly what you said you weren't.

My first impression of you was right. Not impression but more of theory. You were taken up until you texted me. From thatㅡI knew it's wrong to judge at first butㅡI already knew something was going on. And the theory I had in mind was the fact that you could move on from one girl to another really quickly. Because that's what you did with me too. After the holidays, I already heard you were dating some senior. I didn't know the full story but yeah.

I don't know what I ever saw in you, in all honesty. You weren't full of personality. You weren't that charming. You weren't that great. Maybe it was the way you treated me that got me captivated. I have no idea. I'll never know but I do know that I regret having you enter my life. We were better off strangers, Jaebum. I'm glad we're strangers again.

I don't really want to thank you for anything because I realized I wasted my time for some playboy like you. I got hurt over your kind when I promised and told myself I'd never associate with them. I'm mad at you, but mostly at myself. Good thing the latter emotions from this failed crush are stronger. You... you were the one that broke me down the most I almost lost who I really am. I'm glad I recovered. I'm glad you became someone I'll never come to know again. Sorry, but playboys like you don't deserve something good from me.

Yours truly,
Jung Jaemi