Dear Ex-Crushes

To: Best Friend

To: Best Friend

Dear Kwon Soonyoung,

It's usual for best friends to fall in love. In your case, you've liked me ever since we first met up until our first year in high school. All these times we were friends, I only ever saw you as a best friend and nothing else.

Actually, back when we were in Grade 5, I think we were sort of dating then? I didn't really understood what we were, but I remember you asking me a question because I confessed that there were two people in my heart that timeㅡyou and Minseok. (He was irresistible to my past self).

You asked me to choose between him and you and I foolishly picked Minseok instead and that made you end usㅡboth our friendship and love or whatever. I'm still confused up 'til this very day.

So we ignored each other the entire time during Grade 6 and once we were in Grade 7, you unexpectedly texted me out of the blue. Even I was surprised to see you appear in my life again. We weren't close, but at least we didn't draw knives at each other's throats. Um, most of the times. I mean, we were kind of rude to each other at that time.

When we both started opening up to each other, I found ourselves growing closer again and felt like we were becoming best friends. I liked that. We shared each other's deepest thoughts and secrets and it was a friendship that completed everything.

But I've known for a long time now that you've always had the same crush on me. You never stopped liking me, which is very... um, how do I say this? Unbelievable, I guess. But I can't blame you. I've been in the same spot once, too.

When you confessed to me, you said it in a past tense way. I only ever wanted us to be best friends, Soonyoung. Never lovers. But you never ended that crush on me.

So why am I writing a letter to you if I only saw you as a best friend? Well, eventually, I fell for you. Not too deeply (because I never fell for someone 100%) but enough to stop my feelings for Minseok to go to you. Which was why I confessed to Minseok, but in a past tense way. You were the reason I stopped my feelings for Minseok. 

We became unofficial since I didn't really like dating. Must be the culprit to why I'll only ever have failed crushes. So the story to why we failed too is because... Actually, even I don't know the real reason to why. I only have a few theories:

Theory no. 1: You somehow found out that I liked someone else in my school (cough, Jaebum) in between us being "unofficial"

Theory no. 2: You found someone else, which is most likely not the case but you didn't tell me as much things compared to before so this was a possibility

Theory no. 3: You and your "squad" somehow influenced you into letting me go or it has something to do with Guriㅡthe same girl that hated you so much in Grade 8 then suddenly fell madly in love with you in the next year as well as the same girl that caused us to fool her with "our ship" and leading us to become unofficial

Look, Soonyoung. I don't know what's your deal but... Wait, before that, let's continue.

So this probably happened one month after the whole Jaebum deal. Jaebum left a scar on me big enough to traumatize me a little but yours was worse. I had to read the same type of words I read over a month ago. And yes, that was you saying you didn't like me as much anymore.

That's how the trauma began. I've already been hurt by Jaebum, but you had to add onto it. Even worse, you ignored me when I wasn't even at fault. You ignored me and had statuses that were relating to forgetting me and replacing me. That hurt me and so the trauma began.

I developed a fear for falling in love. I developed a hate for the word "losing interest" or "don't like you as much". I've grown a new wall that will stop me from getting too close with people. I've become weaker because I feel like I could cry any second.

You were my close friend. My precious friend. Yet, this happened. I'm mad. I'm confused. I'm traumatized. All because of you.

I'll never understand you, Soonyoung. You know what? I regret falling for you too. I regret falling for anyone in this world. They're not worth it. They won't stay by your side. I still wonder how I'll make it through. But I have to thank you, too. You've set me free from our unofficial thing. I'm mad at you for acting this way and I'm upset everything we had has now shattered. I give up entirely on you since it seems like you've been doing it before me.

I don't care what you'll do with your life anymore. There's a limit to how much I can handle. I've crossed it and I just don't want to deal with any guy and their feelings for me anymore.

Thanks a lot for the trauma.

Yours truly,
Jung Jaemi