Dear Ex-Crushes

To: The Culprit Behind It All

To: The Culprit Behind It All

Dear love,

I honestly wanted to put 'Dear Me' or 'Dear Complications' since they also suited it but decided to go with love. Because if I never felt the feeling of love in the first place, all these traumas and scars wouldn't even exist.

Love, you're a jerk. You make people feel happy one moment and the next, we regret even embracing you. But you're not all bad, honestly. You make people feel happier, too. The feeling of being in love isn't that bad. It's simply the person that you fall in love with that's the problem. Or maybe that's just me.

You see, love, you somehow get involve in my life at times. When I thought I'd never fall for another guy again because I was done with the last one, you give me another guy to feel this way again. I don't really hate you, but sometimes I do. Sometimes I get tired of thinking and trying. But it also gives me energy. Weird, huh?

You have two sides, love. The good side and the bad side. It's either we end up with a happy ending or we don't. In my case, I've never really ended up with the guy I liked. Guys like me first and most of the guys I like never looked my way. I meant that in a way where I was the first one to like them. Because eventually, all my ex-crushes also liked me. But I always found a way to kill my own heart, oddly. What was wrong with me?

Eventually, I developed a trauma and it's safe to say that I don't regret developing this trauma. It'll keep me safe but any possible person that could hurt me. I'd just have to hurt them first, not get attached, and, there; I will be fine.

You've shown me that love can be beautiful but it can also be dangerous and risky. If we're not careful enough, we can get hurt. Actually, we always get hurt when we love. Either it's because of us ourselves or the other person we love/are involved with. Most of the times, it's both.

Love, I used to think you were a special feeling. Like, once I feel like, it'll feel like I entered a secret hollow tree and find a thousand tiny and colourful pixies that will dance around me in different colours. It's like that, but only at first. Then the storms will start coming, and all those pixies will disappear and you're left in a hollow, dark tree.

Love, please stop making me feel like this. I really don't like it. I've had enough of broken pasts and painful moments. I just want to be happy, but you're not making that happen.

You know I'm weak, so you try to attack me. But guess what? Ever since I've developed this trauma of, I've realized that I can be strong and independent without someone. There's nothing that can hold me back. Or more specifically, someone.

You don't need someone there to be happy. You just have to realize that in order to be happy. I mean, there are a bunch of other reasons that can make you happy. I found a recent hobby that I'm totally in love with. It's baking. I don't only bake for myself, but for those who are close to me too. See, love. I don't need you or some boy to keep me happy. I've learned to be happy this way with other reasons.

So, love, I hope you don't continue to make people lose hope and trust in you like I did. Because it's easier to get someone to hate something rather than to believe.

This trauma I have gain might not go away, but I've tried. Or maybe it's just a temporary thing and if a new and better guy comes along next time, maybe that's when my new story will start. Every story has its beginning, its ups and downs and an ending that will either be a happy one or a sad one.

For me, I had chosen all the same paths that ended with dismay. I don't really regret anything but I still believe the guy I will marry in the future is somewhere out there. Near or far, he'll show up some day, and we'll both be each other's happiness, until the very end of life.

Until then, I'll concentrate on what I love doing. And I'll continue believing that one day, love, you'll be good to me and finally let me meet the guy that will become my happiness.

Yours truly,
Jung Jaemi

~Author's Notes~

One last chapter to go :)

xoxo

Byun Sang Kyung