Prologue
[Lydia || 2016]
I caress my stomach, slowly growing, can almost feel the slow thuds that she'll be giving in just a few months, can already picture her beautiful green eyes, just like Dean's. I already love her, and she's only been a part of me for six weeks.
Since I was young, I never wanted anything to do with children. When I found out about my powers, everything became even harder. I would never put an innocent creature in danger. That's plainly selfish. But she's different. I know I'd give my life in a heart beat if necessary. Right now, I just enjoy having her with me, in a future though, I'll have to worry about where will I leave her, her safety. For now, it's just her, me, dean, Sam, and my father, Crowley.
Four weeks ago my whole world came down. I thought I was dying, hopeless. I hated myself. I thought Dean would hate me too. I didn't want this. In fact, I never asked for this, yet, this is as happy as I'll ever get to be, just a small taste, and then be washed by sadness again.
|| 4 weeks ago - Flashback ||
I had just found out. My period has been missing for eight days now, and slowly, fear was creeping over me. It couldn't be. I couldn't be pregnant. But the test said another thing. Two lines. Positive.
I remember crying, alone in the bathroom. I could never tell dean. He'd hate me. I could already picture his face full of disappointment. I didn't want to hurt him.
Sam.
He was the only one I could trust.
He was in the bunker's library, bent over a shelf. I slowly approached him, afraid of his reply already.
"Sam..."
He spun around, smiling. It was just about 10:00 am, and he just wanted to make me happy, even if he really wasn't.
"Good morning, Lyds."
I nodded, dreading the conversation.
"Can I trust you? I need to tell you something."
I could feel the sting in my eyes, tears warning on spilling over my cheeks.
He nodded, took a seat in the chair next to me and told me to do the same.
"What's wrong?" He asked, clearly alarmed by my now surely red eyes.
"I need you to keep this between us." My hands were shaking, and I balled them into fists in my lap, trying to remain calm. I'd run away if I have to, there's no way I'm giving up this baby.
"Is it about you and Dean?"
I shook my head yes, unable to find my voice.
"Something bad."
I said yes, though I'm not sure if the word actually came out of my lips.
I took a deep breath. It would happen sooner or later.
"I know I messed up. I know this isn't convenient for anyone involved, God, I'm putting you in danger. And I feel terrible and guilty and afraid. I don't want you guys to hate me. I need you to promise me not to tell Dean. I think...I might be...I am pregnant."
I couldn't stand to look at his face as I said the last word, afraid of his reaction, I bowed my head.
"Are you totally sure?"
I nodded my head yes.
"Is it mine?"
My heart jumped out of my chest. I closed my eyes, spinning around slowly.
"Dean...I..."
He was standing by the doorway, his arms crossed in his chest.
"Is it mine?"
I nodded, tears flowing freely down my cheeks.
He took a deep and raspy breath, my heart was too loud in my ears to hear his footsteps as he came and sat down by my side.
"How do you feel?"
Sam was looking at us intently.
"I...you care about how I feel? Won't you...won't you scream at me for messing this up? I'm bringing, God, I'm bringing an innocent creature to suffer a life like the one we had. I should've taken the pill, should've done something..." I lost my voice, immediately starting to sob.
"Lydia, listen to me. Yes, it'll be risky. We could've avoided it. But what's done is done, and I might hate the idea of bringing this child into a live like ours, but I'm glad that it's with you, out of anyone else I could've had a child with. And it's going to be a challenge, harder, but hell, we've been to heaven, we can do this."
He put his hand on my knee, giving me a reassuring squeeze, though at this point I was already sobbing.
"How do you feel?" Sam asked once again.
"I'm okay." I whispered, as Dean pulled my head to his chest.
"It's okay." He whispered, caressing my hair.
This is what he always did. Even if he was having a battle with his own self, he would always want me to be happy, safe, okay.
That's what they both wanted.
And up until now, I still don't know what I did to deserve both of them.
"It's...it's two weeks old" I said, trying to hold my voice steady.
"We'll make it through." Sam said, taking my hand and leaning a little bit further over the table.
[.]
And that's became my mantra ever since. She'd be okay. She'll grow up happy and safe. I'll have to give her up when the time comes, and even if just the pure thought of it hurts me, I want her to be happy. I want her to smile one day, never to feel the pain I've felt.
I want her out of this life. I want her out of my way.
