Chapter 13: Changes
[Pov- Dean (few days later)]
I stared at her, looking at her expressions, confused.
"What are you guys talking about?"
Lydia smiled, creasing her brows in confusion, as to the question we had asked.
"Do you believe in heaven and hell?" Sam asked again, smiling to reassure her.
The tone had come back to her skin, she looked beautiful and happy, relaxed.
But then, if Axel was here, she wasn't completely safe.
I was glad she didn't remember anything. About our daughter, us, she'd break. She'd never get to be the same ever again.
"I...I don't know. Honestly, I woke up months ago with nothing but confusion. I don't know if demons exist or if God makes miracles. Do you believe in that?"
I smiled, loving the way she always changed topic in a smart way, a swift movement whenever she wanted to avoid something.
"Agents, really. We're not in a church. And as to me, I'm an atheist. I don't believe in good or bad, everything that I need to believe in its here." She looked around, proving her statement.
I smiled, looking at the ring in her beautiful hand. A while ago, I felt like I needed her to carry something that belonged to me. Something that I'd know would always be there with her when I couldn't, so I bought her the ring. I almost begged Crowley to give it to her, and even when he accepted I doubted he really did. It was too dangerous, with the letter D on it, it could bring her memories back. Yet, she was smiling, looking happier than I ever did in my whole life.
"That's...that's a valid answer." Sam said, don't knowing what else to reply.
"I didn't catch your names again...?" She said, smiling at me.
"Uh, we're agents Smith and Collins." He replied, automatically.
"I asked for names." She shoot back, grinning.
"I'm Dean. He's Sam." I didn't want her to know my face without my real name.
At the mention of my name though, her lips formed a thin line, in confusion.
A emotion in her eyes registered, but too quickly it went away before I could place it.
She stood up, suddenly alarmed.
"A pleasure to meet you." She said, vowing her head.
"Wait. Uh, Ms. Martin, if you ever see or meet someone that doesn't seem normal, whatever the circumstance, call us." I added, taking her hand and placing our number on it. Her skin was cold, like whenever she got nervous.
She smiled, blushing, before she stepped back.
I thought she'd leave already, when she turned, fast, and her face was in a shadow of confusion as she came towards me and hugged me tight.
She didn't remember. She couldn't.
Her arms pressed me against her, as she breathed in my neck. I took hold of her waist just for a moment, enjoying this touch that wouldn't last forever, and that I'd probably get shouted for in a while. She stepped back slightly, her whole face blushing now, as she kissed my cheek.
She then turned around, before whispering a "good bye agents."
Sam turned to me as soon as she was out of earshot.
"What was that? Does she- is her memory back?"
I wanted it to. Instead, feeling selfish, I shook my head "I really doubt it."
"You enjoyed the hug though."
I turned to look at him, catching a hint of jealousy in his voice.
He couldn't be jealous. Why would he?
"I don't...ugh, let's get going Sammy, can't wait to get shouted by Crowley."
-
[Pov-Lydia]
"Are you sure this is the room?"
"I'm telling you, Lydia, I saw them both entering this room after you were gone. Never doubt on my stalker skills."
I nodded, giggling in the dark.
In front of me, a wooden door was closed, inviting me in. I craved for him, to see him once again. According to Allison, they'd leave tomorrow morning, and I needed to see him one last time, even if I couldn't pinpoint the reason why.
"Good luck" she whispered, before running away in the dark.
I took a deep breath, without an idea of what I'd say to him once I was in his room. Maybe I would get yelled at, he'd tell me to leave him alone. Maybe he wouldn't. That was the only possibility I was holding on to.
I slowly turned the knob, hearing it screech and cringing to myself.
I closed the door behind me, before adjusting myself to the darkness.
He was laying down on the bed, his eyes closed, breathing steadily.
He was perfect, and I didn't even know that man.
But a part of me might have.
I took lightly steps towards the bed, my breathing hitching.
I tapped lightly on his shoulder, making him stir, waking up alarmed.
He fumbled down his pillow, feeling for something, but as soon as he saw who I was, he stopped.
"Lydia. What...what are you doing here?"
He remembered my name. I smiled.
"Is something wrong?" He said, standing up, narrowing the space between us.
"I...I'm having this weird feeling, Dean."
He stared at me blankly, waiting for me to continue.
"I feel like I'm incomplete. A part of me-a big part of me- is missing. And yet you come here yesterday with that childish grin and that presence and I felt unsettled and safe at the same time."
I took a small step towards him, feeling crazy and self conscious. Why was I saying all of this to someone I didn't know? Was I out of my mind?
"I feel so...confused. I don't know who I was before, but I do know that somehow, you were part of it. I feel you, I want to remember what you were to me. And I try but I just can't. And right now, without knowing you, I'm craving for your touch. I'm craving for you to tell me the words I want to hear."
I wanted to cry then, though that didn't stop me.
"I want you to tell me who I was. I want you to get me out of here. I want to be the girl I was before. I know you since before, Dean, even if I don't remember. And I know I loved you. Because history repeats itself."
He was speechless for minutes that felt like an eternity. His breathing was quick, worried. And he slowly moved his arm, caressing my cheek with his hand.
"Lydia. Don't. Please don't make me do this. I...I don't know what I am capable of going right now, right here. Please, baby, turn around and leave."
He said those words as if it were hurting him.
But I couldn't leave. I wouldn't.
"Dean. Tell me. Did you know me before?"
He slowly shook his head yes.
"Were we in love?"
I held my breath, as he whispered a yes.
"Can I?" He opened his eyes then, surprised at the feeling of my breath against his lips. I was asking for permission to kiss a stranger. Though he knew me. He knew me all along.
He nodded, slowly, as if considering his answer:
I placed my lips on his, feeling warmth spreading all over my body.
He took a few seconds to move his lips against mine, tangling his hand in my hair.
I whimpered lightly, pushing him to the bed.
Whatever consciousness I had before was long gone.
I kissed him desperately, hungrily, moaning into the kiss, begging for more.
He slipped his hands underneath my shirt, making me straddle in his lap. He moaned against my lips, breaking the kiss to take my shirt off.
He pushed me down, pinning me to the bed, his green eyes full of lust.
I didn't even know him entirely and yet I was sure that in another life not so long ago, I loved him.
I fumbled with his jeans, while he stood up and threw off the jeans, taking out a condom from the small bureau besides me.
He kissed my jaw, slowly but deliciously painful, making me trace circles on his back.
"I want you." I whispered, holding back a moan.
He unclasped my bra, later undoing my panties, throwing them far away from the bed.
"I love you, angel." He whispered before entering me.
I moaned, slowly taking him in. He looked into my eyes the whole time, asking me if it hurt.
"Keep going." I begged, clinging my hips to his.
He moaned as he pushed himself out and inside of me over and over again, his fingers tracing circles on my breasts, while his lips hushed me with kisses.
When we were done, he took hold of my waist, pulling me into him.
"Baby. Look at me."
I moved my head out of his neck, looking at him.
"You knew me. We...we were together for years. And I had to give you up, to keep you safe. And what happened now... I hate myself for it. It should've never happened. I was selfish. And I want you to know that I'm not alone, I love you." He kissed my cheek, looking down at me adoringly.
He nodded, setting his chin on my head, whispering silent promises to me, letting me drift into the fog.
-
In the morning, I was alone. The bed was made, the sheets carefully wrapped around my body. He was gone.
I felt an ache, a need to move and numb my pain.
I stood up slowly, feeling groggy and sore, thoughts of last night coming back into my mind.
I looked at myself in the mirror.
I had known him before, in my other life. And I had loved him.
And he was gone.
All of this felt like a dream, senseless and cruel, and I just wanted to snap out of it.
"Come on, Lydia, wake up." I whispered to myself.
I closed my eyes a moment, trying to calm myself
I opened them, to find them completely blue.
It wasn't possible. My eyes were green.
I felt a pain throbbing in my skull, just as a scream teared out of my throat, feeling unable and numb.
Memories, pictures started cramming up in my mind, the pain unbearable, making me blind.
Us, kissing. Things moving on their own. Fog. Angels.
I opened them again.
The pain was gone. But I wouldn't rest then. I would find out about the life taken away from me, and I'd fight to get those memories back, whatever it took.
-
I don't even know why this chapter is here and this is probably cringy and I'm so sorry. I've been having trouble posting to often but I'll try to post at least once a week. I love you 💕
