Secrets untold, Lies unfold (Johnlock)

Chapter 10

*John* 

Christmas...great...I've brought Sherlock the new microscope that connects to a computer. Don't know what he has brought me. He has been lying to me for weeks on end now. I haven't smiled genuinely to him since he's been acting weird. He hasn't asked me about a Christmas present, probably doesn't even know he has to buy one. It's just been really tough these few weeks, he isnt talking much and he is always going out on cases from Lestrade sent by text even though he doesn't recieve any texts. He sleeps on the sofa a lot now. I don't really know what to do anymore. It's Christmas in 4 minutes, I can't sleep and I need advice. What should I do? Why am I writing this to a book? I just need help. I need to know why he is doing this. After everything! Everything we have been through together and without him, I feel like he is dead again. Yet I still see him. I don't know whether it is even worth confronting him about it. He will just get all flustered because I followed him. But I need to know the truth. Just talk to him, this morning. Get some sleep. I'm going to sleep, I'll talk to him in the morning. It's gonna be hard but I have to try and keep strong. For the sake of my sanity. I need to try. Sherlock was the one I trusted. He was there for me, he left to save my life, yet...it seems nothing now.

"Morning John, Happy Christmas" Sherlock said as he stared at the small tree I had brought. The lights were on still so it wouldn't 'affect his thought pattern'. So usually I turned it onto flash when he leaves, which is always very early and he comes back also, ver early.  "Morning, to you too" I replied rather roughly, my voice sounded quite hoarse and I was really self concious of myself. I sat down on the floor, next to Sherlock and smiled that there was a present under the tree that I hadn't put there. Sherlock handed me a cup from behind him, it was freshly made tea. "Thanks" . I couldn't really speak to him, I felt so concious and anxious. I took a sip and let the caffeine run through my bod, stinging my taste buds. I never drink hot tea, but today it was needed. "I brought you this John, I thought you would like it" He seemed very awkward, he hasn't ever acted like this. It's almost as if he couldn't care but he's acting. I think he knows that I know about the affair with the ginger bitch. "Ah! That's very sweet of you" I took the present from his hands and opened it up, inside was a jumper. Red with little mugs of tea around the neck with some other stripes and dots. Overall a lovely jumper and I almost genuinely smiled at him but I settled for my thank you very much smile. "It's really nice Sherlock, thank you so much" He smiled and nodded. "I..umm. I brought this for you. I dunno, it seemed like a good idea.."  "John" Sherlock interupted. I took a gulp, I could see what was gonna happen but I had absolutely no idea at the same time. 

"John, I know you know. I know it hurts. I know. I just..I know." He was looking at the ground yet I could hear every word perfectly. "John. I'm..I don't know. I actually feel lost for words, what is this? It's an odd feeling. I feel happy yet really sad and I feel let down." He lifted his head to show his face screwed up, trying to figure it out. "It's guilt. Guilt, Sherlock" I sighed after I said it. He suddenly understood and relaxed his face. "It's horrible. Look John, I haven't been clear with you at all and I really need to be because it's either going to change your life or mine. Well, change mine anyway. I...have..been sleeping with..Lestrade's step sister, Hollie. She is giving me old cases to read about and solve the little riddles that got lost inside the case. But I didn't really think anything of it, I've always gotten my way no matter what. I would always go to extremes to get the cases. It's just recently, i've been looking at you and realising that people don't do that in relationships like ours. It's not actually right to do it and I should stop. But I couldn't the cases were getting more and more interesting. I have no care for the girl John, you must believe me on that! It was purely for the case." I took a few well needed seconds to get over what he has just said and find a sensible answer that expressed the present emotions. "Always married to your work, never have time for those who matter. Nope not Sherlock" I stood up and left the room, walking to my room. I felt everything I had done, every second I had cried and wanted to die because I didn't have him with me is useless now.