I'm a Dreamer

Walls

Dear diary
I cried in front of him. The only person that has ever seen me cry was my sister. The only person that ever had a key to my heart was my sister. Why am I letting this boy in ? My walls are still up and I refuse to take them down. I'm not letting this boy into my life no matter how much I want to. He's special I know he is. He's sweet,loving,caring,and determined to beat his cancer. I refuse to let my negative emotions beat down his positive attitude. Are we friends ? Yes. Are we close ? Kinda. Do I like him ? Absolutely. I like him too much to see him be sad when I'm gone. I know I'm dying I get weaker every day. He is getting stronger. I know he's probably just pitying me but I feel a connection with him. I'm not breaking my walls down. I'm not letting him in. I'm dying and I don't need anymore people to make depressed than there already is. My mom visits me once a week. She's not sobering up. How could she ? The only daughter she has left is dying of cancer. My brother visits once every 2 weeks. He's tired well more like exhausted. I try to tell him not to work so much but he doesn't listen. As for the boy he's been staring at me all week like a lost puppy. Yes I'm ignoring him so I won't get too close to him. Yes I know I'm breaking his heart. Yes I care but I just can't let him in. This is all so new to me. For years I've been all alone in my own personal hell but now it's like I added people to this hell hole. I didn't want to but they insisted. I just hope I die soon so I can get away from all of them. They all seem sad like they know it's coming. I know it's coming but I don't care. All I care about is getting back to my sister so my brother can take it easy and my mom can sober up. As for my friends they have each other they will be fine but Luke is the one I worry about. He's gonna be so heartbroken when I'm gone
But he will find the right girl I know he will.
-Ash