[Del]'s Diary

ENTRY THIRTY-TWO

I woke up in a fog as I always do. Reading Logos helps lift the veil. I wonder if I should read though. Maybe it’s just a matter of the drugs wearing off. Maybe, I can remember without reading.

Maybe Logos is lying to me and there is no Fill. Maybe he’s a figment of my imagination that I invented to alleviate my isolation.

Speak of the Devil.

Fill came in while I was writing. I drew a picture of him now, in case I forget his face again so I know who he is when he first walks in. 

“The Doc figures you have finished reading since you’re writing now so he wants you to come with me,” Fill said as he jaunted into the room. He seemed almost excited to see me.

I looked up from Logos. “How would he know that?”

Fill stopped mid-step and then shrugged, “You ready, Eddy?”

“My name is Eddy?” I asked but Fill laughed a quick “no”.

I wanted to ask him my name, but then the rat started twitching its tail again and so I decided I better not.

As we walked down the hallway, Fill sang a song with the chorus: “The night you can't remember, the night I can’t forget.” I decided he’s teasing me.

The Doc asked more of the same questions and about my intense feelings of guilt. “What is it that you are supposed to have done?”

I shrugged. I don’t know. I really don’t. “Maybe, it’s so bad that I’ve blocked it out. Maybe, it is so bad that is why I don’t remember anything,” I suggested.

“Interesting theory,” he said and leaned back in his chair. I don’t like talking to the Doc. He only reflects whatever I say. Fill is the one I need to work on.

As Fill helped push me past the door to the Sleep Room, I asked, “Why are you helping me?”

“I’m not. I’m just doing my job,” he replied.

“Was it your job to kiss my face the other night?” I said through gritted teeth.

“Jesus Christ. Are you going to bring this up every single fucking day?” he cried.

“I don’t know. Did I bring it up yesterday?”

“Why don’t you consult that fucking diary of yours and find out.”

“Fuck you,” I said and then bolted down the hallway away from him.

It didn’t take him long to catch up to me for soon he had me tackled to the floor. I punched and kicked at him as hard as I could, but he all too easily had me in a sleeper hold, and then was jerking me up off the floor like a ragdoll.

“You’re not making this any easier on yourself,” he breathed hotly into my ear as I tried to wiggle free. The coarse hairs of his stubble prickled the skin on the back of my neck sending shudders down my spine. 

“Need any help?” a deep husky male voice said. And I looked up to see a towering figure of a man all dressed in black with padded shoulders watching us. Casually slinging a rifle over his shoulder. He seemed amused.

“It’s all good,” Fill wheezed onto my neck. “She’ll behave now, right? Won’t you?”

I could feel Fill jerk my head back and forth in agreement. Fill must have put on a good enough show of being in control at least because soon he was slinging me back into my room by himself.

Inside, I slapped and kicked him, but he just grabbed me by the face, pushed me hard on the bed, and evaded my kicks as he snapped out the door.

[Deleted]