[Del]'s Diary

ENTRY FIFTY-ONE

Went to see the Doc again with Fill today. More of the same questions again. Here are my answers:

Yes

No

Sometimes

No

Definitely No

Perhaps

I’ll try

Instead of taking me to my room after, Fill brought me to the shower again.

As we walked, I started thinking about my dream of Sugar last night. How she could walk into a room and have all eyes on her. How it feels to feel powerful and electric in her skin. Unlike the way I feel in mine.

Fill gave me a queer-eyed sideways glance. “Why are you walking like that?”

“Like what?”

He laughed, “Swinging your hips like the Liberty Bell?”

I suddenly realized I’d been walking like Sugar. I stopped, trying to remember how exactly it is that I walk.

“You a’ight?” he paused to wait for me.

I nodded meekly and then scampered over to him.

Fill shook his head and complained, “Man, do I ever need a coffee if I’m going to get through the rest of this day with you.”

And I immediately quipped, “I like my coffee like I like my men. Hot, rich and creamy in my mouth”. As soon as I said it I slapped my hand over my mouth and hot shame rose to the tips of my ears. I must have learned it from Sugar.

“How many times have you used that line before?” Fill drawled with a shit-eating grin.

“Once to my knowledge,” I whispered apologetically. I felt so ashamed. I didn’t know why. I just feel like I’m in a constant state of guilt and everything I do is wrong somehow. Sinful, even. Perhaps the Sleep Room they send me to each night is really a Catholic School.

“Well, to my knowledge: plenty of times,” he scoffed at me.

He gave me a hard look and said, “It’s nice to see you again.”

At that moment I hated him. Not because he’s a total skeevy creep that tells me when I can shower. But because he remembers me. And I don’t.

“What do you mean by ‘you’?” I asked.

“Nothing,” he shrugged.

I glared at him as I entered the shower and then took an unusually long one to punish him for being such a tight-lipped asshole.

We walked back together in sullen silence. Finally, “What do you know about me?”

“Your room number is 546A and you are in ward 5.”

“From before.”

Fill’s shoulders dropped and he sighed, “Nothing.”

“Yes, you do know something.”

Fill looked me square in the eye, “Anything I need to know about you they tell me. And there isn’t anything I need to know.”

“Who are you then?” I demanded as we neared my door.

“Me? I’m just your neighborhood John,” he said as he jingled the keys in his hand.

“Your name is John?”

Fill let out one of his cryptic mocking laughs again as he opened the door to my room. “For you, darling, the name is Fill.”

“Aha! So you do read Logos,” I said thrusting a finger towards him as I walk into the room. Fill just shrugged and closed the door.

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