[Del]'s Diary

ENTRY SEVENTY-TWO

Today, the Doc said, “You seemed agitated. What seems to be the problem?”

“I just need a fucking cigarette,” I snapped.

The Doc registered surprise and then started to rifle through his papers on his desk, “I recall that your file listed you as a non-smoker.”

“It’s the dreams of Sugar. I just get these terrible cravings afterwards.”

“How interesting. And have you had any other cravings? Since the dreams?”

I could sense Fill shuffling his feet in the hall. His back leaning beside the door frame. “No,” I said. “So, can I?”

“Hmm. Okay, but please report in your journal anything that comes up as a result of this.”

Next thing I knew, I was standing on a grassy field, hemmed in by barbwire, next to a parking lot full of black SUV’s. I tried to make out the sign at the front of the decrepit industrial/concrete complex but it was too far away. I had assumed I was in some sort of hospital, but now I was unsure. Everything about the place was overgrown. Decayed. Forgotten.

Fill went to hand me a cigarette and a light when our guard, dressed in padded black, instructed Fill to light it for me instead and then hold the smoke to my lips.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Fill said. But the man in black replied, “A lit cigarette could be used as a dangerous weapon.”

Fill scoffed but lit the cigarette and held it to my lips anyways. When I made him wipe the filter off where his mouth had just been, he rolled his eyes. All too knowingly.

I took a long slow drag, just the way I remembered Sugar doing it. “Is that the taste of freedom?” he asked.

I took a few steps from him and said, “No, this is,” and then twirled on the grass with my face held up at the sun.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” he warned, but it was already too late. 

“Ugh, dizzy.” I cried. Light-headed, I flopped down on the soft warm grass.

Fill crouched down beside me, and offered me another drag. “Not quite the same as smoking in your sleep, now is it?”

I curled my fingers around the blades of grass and looked up at the bright blue sky. I had felt the sun on my face in my dreams, but I had forgotten how good it really felt. It is so much better living my life than those of others. I closed my eyes and felt the sun kiss each of my eyelids.

“Last drag, Del,” Fill prodded the cigarette toward me but I declined, not wanting to push my luck.

Sing-song, the guard cautioned Fill, “Giving it a name will only make it harder in the end.”

“Relax,” Fill snapped, taking the last drag himself. “When it’s time to toss the kitten in the sack, I’ll even supply the rocks.” He flicked the butt, stood up and started back inside.

I lied there stunned.

Do you think I’m stupid, that I don’t know what you mean? Or are you just counting on me forgetting?

Or are you counting on me remembering?

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