Behind The Uniform

Where He Went

A few days after Christmas I was sat on my sofa looking around the house. It felt so empty that my mum had gone. I had shut myself away, I didn't want to see anyone. Ross hadn't called, hadn't said anything. It had only been Annabelle who tried to see me but I turned away. I just needed time alone. Teal was living in the house with me, cooking meals and trying to get me to do something.

Instead I had sat and stared at the tv so numb but today I was trying not to think about too much. Today was the day I was seeing my father. An agency had contacted him about my mother's death. Teal had dealt with all the details, I had refused to speak to him but this meeting I had let go forward. I wanted to honour my mother's promise, I had to try.

Teal was sat waiting at the door for when he would arrive, I didn't know what I was going to do when I saw him. I couldn't really remember what he looked like. 

After about five minutes, I heard a car outside and the front door opening. A man's voice talking to Teal.

"Where is he?" The man asked.

"In the lounge." Teal said sharply, she knew my feelings and I wanted to make this meeting as short as possible.

The lounge door opened and in walked the man who I refused to call 'father'. He aged quite a lot in the years I hadn't seen him, his brown hair was mostly green, his eyes wrinkled and tired and stubble that needed to be shaved. I looked at him and felt nothing.

The man scanned me but didn't say anything. His hands were gripped into fists. He was unsure of what to say. What to you say to the man you haven't seen in years? To a man who you wish just didn't exist? I know those feelings are harsh and I regret for what I used to think but for him, I had pinned quite a lot of blame on him.

"Why did you come?" I asked, not looking at him. He didn't need to come.

"Because I made a mistake. I never thought your mother would die, I never thought I would leave but I did. I want to fix that mistake." He replied.

"A mistake? It was much more than a mistake. You destroyed her, you looked at me that night and just said no word. Why did you leave?" 

"Because I had an affair with another woman. She was pregnant. Your mother and I had fallen on hard times so I decided to leave so that I wouldn't hurt her." 

"To not hurt her? Don't you realise what you did?" I looked at him this time. He was staring at me with wide eyes. "Every day she looked lost after you left and I was left not knowing what to do! What's a young child supposed to do to cheer their mother up when they know nothing about the world?"

"I wished I had stayed but for what I had done, I thought I could make two rights out one wrong. I can see that mistake now Jamie. All I'm asking is for you to let me in to your life. To let me see you."

"Why now? Is it because of mum being dead? After all these years, you never once bothered to write or call?" I shouted, feeling tears. In the beginning, I had wanted him to contact me but that had never happened. It had been just year after year of nothing.

"I made a mistake Jamie. People make mistakes, if I could take away what I did, I would but I can't. I knew it was going to be hard to talk to you again, for you to accept me but I had to try? What sort of father would I be? If I hadn't tried." 

"Now you're trying because mum's dead. I grew up without a father, what's the point of coming back into my life?"

He came closer and kneeled down looking at me in the eyes. 

"Just let me explain about what happened all those years ago, Jamie."

I didn't say anything so he carried on. "When I left the house. I stood out the door for two hours wondering what I would have to do. I didn't want to leave but I had already told the woman. So She picked me up and we fled into the night. Those first eight months were hell, we would argue about money. Rent and jobs that she couldn't get. I began to regret even move but I stayed because of the baby. When the child was born, we spent two weeks together and then she said she didn't want the child and left me with it. I raised another son."