colors

thoughts

WARNING ⚠️ MENTION OF SUICIDE

they need to stop. they won't leave. It's been 3 years. she's gone. she won't come back.
get. out . of. these. thoughts.

——

josh woke up drenched in sweat looking around at his reckless bed. he had the nightmare again. he thought about her again. she changed him so much. how could he ever get over her? she was stunning in every single way. that was a lie. everyone knew it was. she wasn't gorgeous. she wasn't smart. the only reason he can't forget about her is because he was fucking there. they had been dating for a while. only reason was for a dare. everything was okay between them though.

he wasn't happy, but she was, so that made him happy, in a way? he doesn't really understand that but he remembers the last time. they were cuddled up on her couch, watching a movie that he'd forgotten the name of. he remembers when she stood up after checking her phone and just walked away. he should've stayed where he was but he was curious, she didn't even tell him where she was going. he looked around upstairs for her not seeing her, that is before he saw her hair. she had the longest hair josh had ever seen. it was down to her knees and it was a shimmering black. the situation was odd though. her hair was across the floor.

had she cut it off? no she would never, at least not on purpose. she loved her hair too much for that. he took cautious steps to what he now realized was a bathroom. he wished he didn't open the door. what he saw could never leave his memory. it burned into his memory making him scarred for life. the sight of the poor girl that he could barely remember the name of. she sat on the floor looking up at him with her puffy red eyes as she held up a gun to her head. he doesn't understand. he never understood. why? why had she done it at that moment? why did she have to mouth 'i love you'? why did she smile? whywhywhy?

josh was smart though, he called 911 right after it happened. he took her phone. he was sobbing when the ambulance had come and ushered him out. he never read her text. he should've done it that second, but he didn't. he finally checked the phone the day after. he understood everything. her family was in a car crash and the only one that managed to live, who is in critical condition, is her little brother no older then 4. josh even teared up at the text. he wished he could've helped her but he knew it was too late.

her name was bianca. he didn't consider her a girlfriend, more of like a close friend. he cared so much about her though. that brought him back into his deprecating self.

he barely made contact with anyone, especially when the news of her death spread around. he didn't want their pity. so he turned to the thing that'll always make him better. music.

he invited jenna over whenever he played the drums. she knew that meant he had a rough day. she would always bring him chocolate or taco bell. he was always glad he had jenna with him. he knew she couldn't always be there but he enjoyed the times when she was.

but now josh sat in his room all alone at roughly 3 in the morning. luckily for him it had been friday so he doesn't have to wake up early to go to his hell. he sat up and rubbed his face with his hands. the moon gave off a slight blue hue to the room. he stood up from his bed stretching in the progress. he knew sleep was no longer an option because the memories would just creep back into his mind. he was wearing boxers and a long black sleeved shirt to sleep. he always found comfort in scrunching up the ends up the sleeve almost as if he was making paws.

he looked back at where he previously lay. all his thoughts rushing through his mind at the same time making him become nauseous. he felt the intense thoughts swirling around, pounding at his walls as he made it to his window. he's done it many times and he loves it, every single part. he opens up his window and sits on the ledge for a few seconds that almost seem like hours, just looking at the small, silent city and the forest bordering the side of his house. everything was so peaceful at night and josh loved every second of it. he went back into his room just to put on some black sweatpants on top of his boxers before sitting back down at the windows ledge. the thing about his house is that josh's room is right on top of the front porch so the roof of the porch becomes his way down. he slowly extends his legs down so his feet barely graze the porches roof, hopping off his window ledge and stabilizing himself.

he walked to the end of the porch that lead out to the quiet city, sitting down before he held on tight to it, moved a little bit so that he was dangling off and then he jumped off. he landed perfectly on his bare feet having done this multiple times. he looked back at his house one more time before he started off on his way. he walked towards the small city before he made a sharp turn into the forest. he's basically memorized the route to where he wanted to go by heart so it wouldn't be difficult. the cool breeze of the night hit him as he stepped foot into the forest area. the familiar smell of pine trees and a whole bunch of flowers filled theair, giving his nostrils a pleasant surprise. he walked deeper into the woods ignoring the sound of the owls and the chirping crickets.

he walked more until the trees around him became less and less and he found the reason he had come. he made it to the clearing where there was a small lake, some turned over logs from fallen trees, a few groups of flowers that josh didn't know the name of. he took everything in feeling the earth right under his feet. he walked to the edge of the lake, sitting down and looking at the reflecting water dipping his hand in it causing ripples throughout.

he began humming to a tune that he would always play when he had his drums. he wished he could bring his set down to the forest but no one would help him so he never bothered. he dipped both of his hands in the water, loving the numbing feeling it has on his hands when he pulls them out and exposing them to the cold air.

"I don't think that's very smart to do," a voice from the opposite direction that he was facing spoke. it scared josh enough that he almost fell into the lake as he turned to face where the voice had come from.

"Im sorry I didn't mean to scare you." the figure moved slightly closer before sitting down on a log. the moonlight barely lit up the night, nonetheless a person. the lighting may be bad but from what he picked up on was that the person was most likely female, due to the voice. after a long pause he responds to the person, "it's fine, im josh." he noticed something, it had to be his imagination because it was gone pretty fast but he swore he just saw the color blue. it could've been a trick with the lighting, but he hopes that it wasn't.

"well josh, why are you in a forest at four o'clock in the morning?" the person ask soothing out what seemed to be a skirt.

"maybe we should leave questions for later, i kind of like sitting in silence here and you seem peaceful enough so can we just, sit?" he asked swirling a piece of grass between his fingertips.

"okay, questions for later" the figure spoke once again as josh laid down and looked up at the sky, marveling over all the stars that chose to shine brightly today.

it was so peaceful, and he was glad he got some form of company there, even if he didn't know their name.

wc: 1430