colors

not ready to be found

entry 42// 09/27/08

i saw this boy when I went to the forest tonight. he looked so broken if you just watched how he sat and looked. I never would've expected anyone to be there at that time. that's why I usually go around that time. I can get away from my parents and my 'boyfriend'. I hate him. tonight made me lose it. he touched me. I couldn't do anything about it. I can't leave him. I know what my parents said. they don't fucking care. I can remember their faces when I told them.

"Mom, Dad, i have something to tell you."

"Yes sweetie?" My mom smiled her caring smile that I miss so much now.

"I-I'm bisexual, and um I'm dating Sarah"

I wish I hadn't seen how my dads once caring eyes filled with anger and my moms smile got wiped from her face, where instead, a stern scowl took its place.

"no daughter of mine will grow up to be a faggot"

that was the last time my parents ever cared about my well being. forced me to break up with Sarah,  get a boyfriend and not break up with him. but forget that. this boy. I saw him again today. he brought me Taco Bell. I used to love Taco Bell. his hair was so pretty. it was like blue and it matched really well with his black sweater. I just wanted to give him a hug but I knew I couldn't. he asked for my number too. I just said no. Alex would get mad. I don't like seeing Alex mad. at least it's somewhere no one else can see. josh was really happy. why would he be in a forest where numerous people have commit suicide or at least attempted to. I had attempted to. It didn't work very well seeing how I'm still breathing and my hearts beating but I'm still not living. I stopped living at age 15. that's when things started going bad. I'm just glad I managed to get better. but honestly, did i really? I mean. I have nightmares, flashbacks and even blackouts. am I honestly better? I don't think so. but after lying to yourself for a while you start to believe it.

maybe I believe that I've gotten better. I don't think I have. Alex just got home I have to go. I got ready just for him.     ───────
debby sat up in bed more as the thoughts from that day filled her mind. alex had left to go hook up with some other chick he picked up on the streets. It didn't bother debby one bit. she didn't love him. so she got changed into some black tights and a dark purple sweater. she put on her converse and was out the door in a matter of minutes. he always made her stay at his home so she wouldn't leave him. that's the thing though. he leaves at a certain time every night. debby knows this. she was having nightmares and watched him leave. she didn't leave that night. that night was right before the first time she left. he left around 2 in the morning and came back at 8. 

six hours he was gone. when he came back he smelled of someone else's perfume and his clothes where hanging off his frame. he goes back to bed as if nothing happened. every single night. even most of the day. she doesn't care. she only stays with him because of her parents. they will kill her if she breaks up with him. so instead she went out to the park today. it was  an empty lot with a rusty slide that creaked when you climbed up the ladder. the swings would shake anytime somebody sat on them. that's why she loved it. there was a tree next to the slide so she could sit under it and look at all the people that would past by with no care in the world. Almost as if they weren't counting down till the day that their lives finally took a toll and they end.

Sometimes no one expects it. other times everyone is huddled together waiting just say they can spend the last moment of their lives together. she always wished her ending would be filled with people she loved instead of people who hated her with a burning passion. these thoughts flooded her mind as she crossed the street to the poor park.  she sat on the way too familiar swings and kicked off. her feet left the floor and flew up into the air as a casual scent of fresh cut grass filled her nostrils. she smiled at a memory she had of this place 3 years ago. her and Sarah and left school early to go have a date at the park. there was no real reason as to why. they just always did that together. that's what she had loved so much. her first kiss was with Sarah and honestly it will forever be her most treasured.

the way their lips merged together so perfectly. when that perfect moment ended they just held hands and swung on the swings in a peaceful silence. sure she may have been young but memories are memories. good or bad. she'd rather remember the good then the bad but it's whatever. sarah made her life better in so many ways that her parents didn't realize. debbys eyes had watered as she thought. she hated that she was such a crybaby. she sniffled as blur of blue passed by her. she looked up to see what it was noticing it was the boy from the
days prior. his name was josh and he was really sweet, sweeter than Alex is and ever will be. debby smiled to herself as she watched him walk with two other people. a blonde girl who was slim and looked so innocent with a brown haired boy at her side who was playing with his fingers behind his back. the trio walked towards the park where she was. she wanted so badly to interact with them but her anxious thoughts over took and she started worrying about every possible scenario.

"debby?" the blue haired boy spoke before she could run away from all her worries.

"hello josh, and josh's friends"

they all smiled at Debby. maybe they would be her friend too.