loving Her From A Distance

Why do we love..Love ? When loves seems to hate us?

***
"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because you don't
know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and
errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds;
it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings." Anais Nin

Saturday 15 October 2016
11:30am
Home LA

Erica's Reflection

There's a corny joke that goes: "If you find yourself surrounded, with a lion to your front, a tiger behind you, a gorilla to your left and a wolf to your right, what do you do?" The answer?: "Get off the carousel." After all the pain and affection that's what it came too, we're now officially over and to be honest it was for the best. I will always love her and that will never change no matter who I'm with but when love hurts its always a losing game.

*Thinking to myself*; You like your new place, this Condo you call home now. It's cozy, nice, easy to take care of. It's free of memories of her, though you bring plenty of those with you anyway. You're safe here, amongst the hard wood floors and freshly painted walls, the furniture that you recognize and the music playing softly in the background. The singer croons, a song mourning some lost love that you both identify with and quietly abhor. It has occurred to you that you still think of HER as home, in the dark recesses of your mind that still think of her every day, every night, every hour. She's never far from your mind (not far enough, anyway), and you quietly hate that too. Things were never supposed to be this way, this harsh, this real. She wasn't the first person to leave and she won't be the last but I have to move on now be more focus on my goals and my son, no more dwelling on the past.

"I snapped outta of my thoughts because I heard knocking at my door"

King: Mommy "knocking on Erica door" are you awake?

"Yes baby..I replied come in"

"He opened the door and sat on the edge of my bed with this sad look on his face. King what's the matter"?

King: Are you better now? Have you stopped crying now? Do I have my mom back?

"I didn't really know what to say to my baby, how has the roles change?when did he become the parent and me the child? Truth is I wasn't in a good place these last few months and it was all because of me and cyn.... Yes I was "hurting" nah scratch that a bitch was devastated, heartbroken depressed I even neglected my own son over that situation but I'm back now.... Back like I never left, I've moved on and so as she."

I walked over to him knelt down so our eyes could meet.

"King look at (which me did) mommy is better than ever ok... You know why?"

King: .....

"Because I have you baby, so don't worry about me I'm good and I'm never leaving you OK ..... never so can you please give me a smile because that sad face is breaking my heart."

King: I smiled at her and she gave me the biggest/tightest hug.

Erica: So what do you wanna do today?

King: mmmhh... How about six flags?

Erica: Anything for you baby, now let me go find you something to eat before you start to fuss *laughing*

King: laughing also ... OK.

***

Saturday 15 October 2016
12:00pm
New York

Cyn Reflection

"It is a curious sensation: the sort of pain that goes mercifully beyond our powers of feeling. When your heart is broken, your boats are burned: nothing matters any more. It is the end of happiness and the beginning of peace." -George Bernard Shaw. How times have changed? Just a few months ago I was happy, in love and content now I'm back in new York dwelling on the the past reading sad ass books and...ummm... Yeah crying did I forget crying? I had never experienced an attraction or desire to be with someone as strongly as I had with her. Everything about her and us moved me in ways I had not expected. Mementos and unusual, spontaneous gifts became the norm; intimacy was an ongoing exploration of each other's deepest desires and became "tantric" in the months that unfolded.And yet, in spite of our nurturing, endless proclamations of love, and the work we did within the relationship, it ended...and it ended horribly.

It took quite a few months but I put myself back together and became stronger and more confident than I could have ever imagined. I am grateful that the relationship taught me more about myself, but I am even happier that I moved on to experience much more powerful relationship. Im happy now, me and Joe have this connection that I never thought I'll find again but you find love in the most unlikeliness of places and that's what happened, from friends to lovers.

"Cyn," I heard my baby call suddenly from the hallway (snapping back to the real world). He tapped lightly on my door. "Babe, how are you feeling?"

"I'm, um, I'm good bae," I called back, quickly shutting off the computer screen. I tiptoed back to my bed and climbed in.

Joe stepped in just as I got under the covers. He walked over, brushing my forehead softly.

"I really wish you would let me take you to the doctors ," he said quietly. "It would make things so much better, hon, I promise,"

"Joe," I groaned. "No; it will just make things worse. Look, I'll be fine, okay?"

Joey didn't look convinced. He sighed. "So you just..... You ate something bad that's why you throwing up?"

"Babe it's nothing OK I promise I'll be fine by tomorrow," I explained.

"Are you sure Cyn cause we can go and Che... (gco By cyn)

"Trust me I'll be as good as new tomorrow and if not then we'll go first thing in the morning OK".

He stood there, looking at me with a frown plastered on his face. I knew he wanted to just say, "I don't care Cyn " and call Mrs. Lynch (my doctors). But he didn't. Instead he just rolled his eyes, mumbled a "good night" under his breath, and left my room.

When I was sure he had walked down the hallway and into his bathroom, I got out of my bed and went back to the computer. I started looking at pictures/reading information on pregnancy test. I sigh to myself and then turned the computer off.

Climbing back into bed, I turned off the light and sighed, ready to sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a long ass day.

***

A/N-I known you guys wanna know what happened between Erica And Cyn...I know y'all confused but I'll let you know. ☺

What happened between them?
Is Cyn pregnant?
Whose fault was it this time? (Break up)

Don't forget to vote/comment ✌