My DIARY...please don't keep out

I feel so indecisive it hurts

Hey, if you are reading this I thoroughly hope you are having a great day
So pretty much not long ago i was in the hospital for suicidal ideation and i wrote this just to clear my mind so I apologise for the poor grammar ect. but I might edit it in the future :)

I think I feel stressed and not good because it feels like no one is taking the real issue for me seriously. I feel like my biggest stress is food. School and friends ect contribute but i could deal with that. I need more than anything stabilisation when it comes to food because the reason I think I feel like I can't life sometimes is because i feel like i have no control and like I'm a disappointment to myself and anyone who ever expressed that they believed in me as soon as I eat and especially when i binge.

It's like it actually physically hurts, like when im craving, just for that moment even, all that I want in life, all i need is to shove food in my mouth NOW and tbh that thought makes me feel so sick it hurts more.

Maybe i want to die or maybe i dont, im not entirely sure but i think the reason is because i cant deal with this. It hurts too much. I dont want to have life if its going to be like this-a constant battle between wanting to be normal, wanting to not eat ever and feeling the urge to shove everything into me at once.
No. i dont want this.

P.s. If there's any topics you want me to address feel free to comment or pm me and ill write a chapter on my opinion :)