The different mes
Its weird how I feel comfortable with kiah and izzy knowing I wanted a spider even though I hate food and it's scary to admit that really. Especially when I'm here for negative eating habits and I wish I could say no when offered extra food because I'm getting fat. Like I can feel it on my fingers and see it in my face and it doesn't hurt when I lay face down my hips cos I have enough tummy fat to cover my hips and this is scary. Anyway back to the whole different mes thing i feel like there's the me who wants to be 'healthy' and get better and doesn't want to put '' around healthy cos I want to live out my dream and raise beautiful children and not jeopardize that. ever.
WHY THE HELL IS LIFE SO CONFUSING
I just want it to be easy. Sometimes I don't want to see both sides, sometimes I dont have the energy to deal with that internal conflict. Sometimes I wish my world was, much more black and white like this piece of paper* instead of so happily ironic like the other side*
What really is freedom anyway?
I feel more free locked up in hospital than I do unto my own will at 'home' by myself and I feel more free until I'm 18 and when I don't have as much access to alcohol because I can't trust me and now I understand why no one else trusts me. Because I cant even truest myself.
AND WHY? WHY THE DELAY?
In between feeling bad when people cheer me up then they leave (or i leave) and suddenly I feel shit again and why do swear words have to remind me of [THEM]
as a singular person I just-life is too confusing and I want it to calm in the storm
And i think that's the stability hospital gives me. All I have to do are simple things-no responsibilities. But I don't know what i can have long term cos that's where i have issues which apparently everyone expects me to have cos 'it would be weirder for [me] to have no issues'. Seriously, like it might be true (very likely is) but still cant i just be a person without all these preconceived ideas of how things 'should' be and why do we need to use '' either like I appreciate political correctness but whatever I just want to be drugged or drunk cos i dont want to think no more.
LET ME GO PLEASE.
I don't mind how long I'm asleep just be easy. Simple. Done.
I want to cry but it's hard cos there are people everywhere and my goodness I don't know what to do I need an outlet.
*I initially wrote this out on a scrap piece of paper before copying it.
*see attached photo
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My DIARY...please don't keep out
RandomThis is pretty much going to be whatever random thoughts I have from time to time and if you enjoy reading then awesome, if you don't I sincerely apologise in advance. Have an awesome day and if you have any questions or suggestions be sure to comm...
