pyromania // phan

4

i really love my new lighter.

it flicks on just the right way, it has just the right feel to it when i flick it on, and it the flame is a small, but firm light that emerges from the lighter. it was absolutely perfect.

but what was weird was, as i was walking out of the shop and back home, i wasn't thinking of my lighter.

i was thinking of phil.

he was beautiful. dear god, he was amazing. his pale skin was so light and it looked so, so soft... just like his lips. oh, his lips! i bet they would taste like a mix of mariah carey's voice and jesus on my mouth.

maybe, i was taking this a bit too far. but that doesn't matter, because i really don't have the intention of seeing him again.

you see, i don't do 'relationships,' or whatever you want to call what me and phil would have. i can't be in a committal thing like that because i simply lose interest. my mind just strays off once I finally have someone, and then i end up breaking someone's heart. and also, phil would never love me, not in a million years. he was nice, gentle, funny, and, well, he was so unbelievably hot.

and also, given the fact that he has pyrophobia and i am a pyromaniac, you could say it's not the best combination ever. like, what would he do if, say we lived together, and he came home from work and saw me using candle flames to burn my wrists? it wouldn't be the best outcome. he would then proceed to try to take the flame from me, which (believe me) is not something you want to do to someone who has an addiction.

it's like a smoker and a anti-smoking protester being together. it doesn't matter how good the couple may be, the smoker will always be a smoker. they will always have the  incessant need to bring a cigarette to their lips, and inhale the nicotine into their system to calm them. with the anti-smoker there, they are going to try with all their might to push the smoker away from cigarettes, and the smoke. but what the anti-smoker doesn't understand is that smoking is severely addictive, making it almost impossible to quit without committing some sort of murder in the process. so, when the anti-smoker tries to take the cigarettes from the smoker, to limit them, to force them to stop all at once like that, the smoker falls apart. they get enraged at almost anything and everything, most particularly the anti-smoker. then, before you know it, the smoker has had enough and calls it quits because the need to light up the roll of nicotine and lung cancer and smoke it was too strong, too blinding to notice and see what was really important besides the smoking.

it was the same case with me and phil. (me being the smoker and phil being the anti-smoker.) he not only dislikes fire, he fears it. meaning, i wouldn't even be able to let him see it in the first place.

sure, they do say, "opposites attract." but, it's certain opposites like me and phil that are the exceptions. it just can't happen, and unfortunately neither of us can help it.

and don't get me wrong, if we didn't have all these problems in between us, maybe, just maybe, we could be together. maybe i could make an attempt to commit to a relationship. but, i can already tell that phil is the type of person that wouldn't understand why i just couldn't be with him.

though he wouldn't care, he probably doesn't swing that way, much less like me in that way.

that being said: as much as i really didn't like it, phil and i just couldn't be together.

so as each day went on, i kept that fact in my mind. every single time i walked into the shop to see casper wasn't there and phil was.

phil and i just couldn't be together.

every time i looked among the lighters and matches, searching for designs and styles, and i would find myself glancing back at the counter to find phil bouncing on his toes, humming to himself as he waited for me to be done shopping.

phil and i just couldn't be together.

every time i happened to see him on the street on his off-days, strolling and looking at windows into shops, to see what they had. the way the curiosity overtook his features and he smiled when he saw something he liked, and i would just watch from afar.

phil and i just couldn't be together.

and as i'd watch him walk past my apartment buildings on his off-days, momentarily glancing around as he walked on, no destination in mind. i would think of how beautiful his body was.

phil and i just couldn't be together.
phil and i just couldn't be together.
phil and i just couldn't be together.

but what if we could?

•••

i got contacts today yeee

-kay xx