pyromania // phan

5

despite my plans of never seeing phil again, i saw him today at the grocery store.

he looked kind of cute actually, standing with a basket in his hand, his eyes squinted, looking at the items on the shelves. oh; and he had glasses on, and they made him look just about ten times sexier.

he had a fitting dark blue button-up shirt with white polka-dots on and black skinny jeans, with white tennis shoes. he looked so nice in the dark blue, since it contrasted greatly to his skin. his icy blue eyes scanned the items on the shelves with a lot of concentration, and when he suddenly looked over at me, i nearly dropped my basket of groceries.

"dan!" phil smiled, waving slightly before walking over to me.

i groaned under my breath. i wasn't necessarily upset that he was talking to me... but he was talking to me. if that makes any sense.

trust me, with how much feelings i had for him, i wanted him to talk to me. matter of fact, i wanted him to talk to me for the rest of my life. but, once again, we can't do that. we are complete opposites, and god knows it will never work out.

"hey, phil," i smiled, and he grinned back at me, happiness clear in his eyes.

"i haven't seen you in the past few days. where've you been?" phil asked as he gazed among the bread shelves that were behind me.

"oh, uh, you don't think i go everyday, do you?" i chuckled a bit, trying to hide the fact that yes. yes, i used to go everyday before he started working there. because i'm a freak obsessed with fire.

"oh, no, of course not. i was just... i don't know. i was sort of... looking forward to you coming back," he shrugged, looking down nervously.

you see? this is what i mean. if i had been so easy to get into a relationship with this beautiful boy, then he would have walked straight into a mess of complicated that he had no idea existed. then, he'd try to "fix me," as if he thinks he could "fix" my pyromania. then, i would eventually get sick of it, then break up with him for it. it would all just be one big disaster, can't you see? i'm not crazy.

so i pretended to not notice his little comment.

"oh, well, i probably won't be going back to the store anytime soon, it will be a little while until my lighter's fumes are gone and the matches run out," i shrugged. in reality, both of those are usually used and run out and done for by the time the week was over, at the very longest.

he nodded, his grin slowly shrinking, "oh... well. yeah, just come back when you need more, i guess."

i nodded. i didn't tell phil that i planned on getting casper's schedule so i can come in when he is working, not phil. I did feel pretty guilty, but at the same time, i just knew it was best for both of us, really.

we bid our goodbyes, going back to shopping, and i noticed that this time, when he went back to the aisle he was in before, he looked a lot less concentrated and a lot more brought down than before.

•

"you can't just have my schedule," casper pointed out to me.

"why not?" i asked, leaning back on his sofa.

he looked at me, "because i don't work the counter there anymore, dan."

i almost choked on air, "what?"

he nodded before stating, "i'm not working the shop specifically anymore. now that i've got phil taking care of the shop and everything, i'm able to go to business meetings where owners meet and all i do is come in once a day for about thirty minutes, looking through the shop and making sure everything is in good shape. other than that and the meetings, i don't do much."

i took this in, and i was okay at first, just don't go to the shop ever again. but i had one big problem:

"how am i supposed to get my lighters and matches now?"

"dan, the shop is still going to be open you idiot," casper gave me a 'duh' look.

"no, it's not that, it's just... well... there's this guy," i shrugged.

casper squinted at me, "which one exactly?"

"i can't exactly say-"

"it's phil, isn't it?" casper folded his arms, leaning back a little bit. he didn't stop until i nodded just a little.

casper grinned and said, "i figured. the day after you visited and didn't return, phil seemed sort of down, and i asked what was wrong, and he told me he was expecting someone. was that someone you?"

"i don't know," i stated, "i had and have no intention of going there again while he was or is working."

casper furrowed his brows at me. he wouldn't care as much for the reason if i wasn't the main source of his shop's money.

i answered his look of curiosity, "he doesn't know i'm a pyro. he has pyrophobia. do you catch my drift?"

casper thought for a moment then nodded, a lightbulb seeming to light in his mind.

"well, if you love him-"

"casper, i don't love him."

"i don't care. if you love him, it shouldn't matter what phil is and what you are and how they clash or combine. if you are truly in love and willing to have a relationship, then you will let these traits come together to form something... i don't know... unique," casper spoke with wisdom.

"but, that's the thing," i pointed out, "i don't truly love him, nor do i want a relationship out of it. casper, what you don't understand is that i am completely fine with watching from afar as phil does his regular stuff everyday. he is beautiful, funny, and by far the best guy i've seen in a while, but i just can't do this. i can't be part of something i know i'll get bored of and not be able to maintain."

casper nodded sullenly, looking down. "fine," he decided, before we told each other good bye as i left to go to my house and do what i've long awaited for since the moment i woke up (which was only a few hours ago) : go to sleep.

•••
i am so sleep-deprived omg instead of typing "few hours ago" on that last sentence i was falling asleep and typed "few weeks ago" help me

-kay xx