Nick & Finn

Scene 11

Nick didn't come by the next day, or the next. When he did come by, I didn't actually see him.

I had had an exhausting day at work and was sitting in the bedroom with the lights off, perusing news articles on my computer. Suddenly the front door opened and Nick and Finn walked in, already conversing animatedly.

"I told you we were going to follow all the rules when we started out," Finn was saying. "I told you. Those were my conditions."

"We're already not following all the rules," Nick countered. "The rules say you can't be gay."

"No, they don't," said Finn tiredly, as though this were not the first time they had covered this ground. "They say you can't be in a gay relationship."

"We are in a gay relationship!" Nick said emphatically. "Or did you think we were gay friends with benefits?"

Oh, man, I thought. They are actually fighting. This is bad.

"That's not what I think," said Finn in a hurt tone. "You act like I don't care about you because I don't give you everything you want, all the time."

"All the time?" Nick sputtered. "All the time? Sometimes I think this is more like being roommates than being in a relationship."

"Roommates?" Finn bellowed. "I don't kiss my roommates!"

I could attest to that.

"Look, we cuddle, we kiss, we talk about life. You tell stupid jokes and I laugh. And we wait, just like every straight guy on campus has to wait."

"You really think all the straight guys wait?" Nick asked scornfully.

"No," spat Finn. "But I'm sure not gonna be the one that doesn't."

"Any straight guy who waits here doesn't have to wait forever!" Nick paused. "What about us? What if we wait until we graduate? What then? It's still wrong! It's all wrong! We're wrong!"

Apparently it took a minute for Finn to come up with what to say next. When he did speak again, it was with a great effort at control.

"I'm not going to have sex with you."

Oh.

"What are you afraid of?" Nick asked in apparent disbelief. "We could go back there right now. Nobody's home! Nobody would know!"

My heart sank. Lord God of Israel, I prayed, don't let them come back here and find me!

"I would know. And you would know. And it wouldn't be just once. It would be once, and then it would be once, and then it would be once, and then it would be always. And I would be living a whole lie instead of half a lie and I would split in pieces from living two different lives."

"You're already living half a lie, and nobody died," Nick said dangerously. "If you don't want to, just say so."

"That's not what it's about!" Finn screamed. "You know that's not what it's about. I fucking want to! We don't get what we want. Don't you get it? WE DON'T GET WHAT WE WANT. We never do, we never have, we never will. Just give up!"

That was it. I felt the air change. The last thread had snapped.

"I can have whatever the hell I want," said Nick quietly. "But I don't need you." His voice rose to a yell as he continued. "There are a million other guys out there for me and I'm not going to waste my time in Provo with a stupid little boy who's afraid of everything. There are so many guys out there who would feel lucky―lucky!―to have me. I don't need you. And you're never, never going to have me!"

"Then go!" Finn shouted, if possible, even louder. "Get the fuck out of my house!"

"FINE!" screamed Nick, and the door slammed so hard I nearly leapt from my chair.

Everything was suddenly quiet. Nothing moved. I tensed even more.

"Shit," Finn finally said, softly, defeated. "Shit, shit, shit."

Nothing happened for a very long time, during which neither Finn nor I moved. Finally I heard him get up, but instead of coming into the bedroom, he went into the bathroom and shut the door. I heard the whirr of the bathroom fan through the door.

I was never going to get another chance like this one, not if I lived a hundred years. "Thank you, God," I whispered, and ran for my life.