The Shadow (One Direction/Harry Styles)

The Shadow (Prologue)

A/N Hullo ! So, this is the prologue, and it is rather depressing. The story, however, will not be like that. Enjoy. xx

       Carina's Story

I feel alone. I feel so alone it hurts. Its fucking hurts. I don't know what to do anymore. I am lost. I am lost in this dark world, and I have no one. I can't cry, I can't scream. I am trapped. I just want it all to end. I don't want to wake up in the morning. I don't want to breathe anymore. I just want everything to be over. Is it to much to ask ? God, please help me  'cause I can't do it anymore. God, please give me strenght, 'cause I need it. It feels like I an drowning in this sea of emotions. And no one is trying to help me reach surface again. It's like they don't care. They probably don't. Why, would they care ? Why would anyone care for me ? I am pathetic and useless and worthless. I am no one. I am nothing. I AM NOTHING. And I am in so much pain right now. It's slashing my insides, it's ripping me apart. But I like it. 'Cause I deserve pain. I must feel pain, 'cause otherwise I wouldn't know if I am alive or not. I know everything happens for a reason, but what did I fucking do to deserve this ? Why do I feel like this ? Why do I hate myself ? I don't even want an answer. I just want everything to end. So I am begging You God. I am begging you to help me. Stop this. Stop this nonsense. Kill me ,God, and make everything better. Kill me, God, and save me. 'Cause there is no point in living like that. I just lay awake in my bed, hoping someone would notice me. Hoping that someone would see how miserable I am.  How i don't care if my heart is beating or not. But they don't. They never do. It's like they don't see me. A disgusting creature that doesn't deserve to be alive. It's like they don't see the red marks. It's like they don't see the blade  I am always carrying with me. It's like I am a ghost. Oh, how I wish I was a ghost. At least, I would be dead. Gone. DEAD. They say that when you are going through a depression, no one can help you, no matter how much they care about you. But for me it's not like that, 'cause no one even tried.  They left me. He left me. With out looking back, he left me. Laughing. And from that moment I was lost. I didn't fight the darkness. I couldn't fight the darkness. In the end  I welcomed the darkness. It helped me. It transformed me into a shadow. 'Cause shadows don't need food, nor water. No, I needed a single thing. A friend. And since then, the blade became my best friend. For a few months  anyway. Then I stopped cutting. I was a coward anyway, I couldn't kill myself. So, what was the point anyway ? I am in hell. I am burning alive. But as I said, I can't complain. I deserve everything I get. I deserve this. I don't know why. But I do.

I don't have a family, I already told you that. This is the reason I cut my wrists until they were dripping with blood and agony. This is why I am so fucked up. This is why a normal human being could not read my  thoughts with out bursting into tears. It gets scarry how dark my thoughts are. . You know, it's like, I see a rope and I totally lose it. I just want to feel the life leaving me. I just want to die. 

In the first days, I cried. A lot. And that helped me. But now ? I can't even cry. There is to much emotion, there are to many feelings, to many words unspoken. I just want feel something else besides the pain. I want to smile again. But I can't. My walls are to high, my wound it's to deep.

I am the Shadow, and this ladies and gentelman, is my story !

-Sonia