The Shadow (One Direction/Harry Styles)

The Shadow (Chapter 9)

          Sonia POV

~ This is dedicated for all the persons who have or had cancer. Stay srong, guys. I know it's hard, but you can do it. Smile because you are alive, don't cry. STAY STRONG !

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I can't believe I did that ! I can't believe I just sang my personal song in front of them. For so many years I kept it all to myself. And now ? I don't know what to feel, I don't know how to act. I have no idea what to do now. My songs are basically my diarries. The most private diarries. And I just exposed my soul to some ignorant boys. However, they can't undersand. No matter how hard they try, they can't. Because I wasn't talking just about heartache. I was talking about phisical pain.

I still remember that night in the hospital when I first felt it. It started slowly, fooling me into thinking that it was just a normal headache.

I rolled over after some minutes of discomfort, and took the water bottle from the bedside table. I drank until I was out of breath, but the fizzing was still there. I capped the bottle and sat up in bed, rubbing the area hoping it would help. It didn't.

A short pair of minutes passed by before I lay down again. I thought of calming things - like lying in the grass during the summer, trying to sleep but my mind wouldn't let me. I sighed and tried to ignore it, but the fizzing slowly turned into a burning feeling, and spread down to my chest, straight down in the middle. Mom and dad weren't there. I thought I was strong enough to handle it alone. I was wrong, again.

Ten minutes passed, and the pain has became strongest in my brain, like something it's being ripped out of my head with bare hands. It was horribly strong, the pain, making me hold my teeth together and pulling my knees to my chest, but nothing helped at all.

Twenty minutes later, I was rolling in my bed shits with small signs of agony coming out from between my teeth. I tried to sit up, so I can call a nurse but I could hardly move. It came to a point where I trashed myself off the bed, and for one full second of flying, the pain went away while I was distracted, but returned as my head hit the ground.  It took me five full minutes to pull myself back up onto the matress - a difficult five minutes in which my pain continued to escalate, becoming a feeling somewhat like a blender in each of my organs.

And then I started to scream. I screamed and screamed until I was surrounded by doctors and nurses, each one of them shouting things at me, making it worse. Finally I could feel the drug starting to sink in and I fade into the blackness. 

Next morning, the doctors gave me the news. I had cancer somewhere in my brain. I was going to live for five more years. No more, no less. When they told me, they were blunt, no emotions showing on their faces. They told me to not lose my hope, but there was no chance for me to get better. Five more years, and then ? I will be just a bald corpse.

Six months. That's how long I have now. It's been four years and a half. My death was fastly aproaching. But I had no more tears to cry and no more voice to scream. After I cried so much, I promised myself I will not shed anymore tears over this stupid deasease. I cried to much, and it didn't help me with anything. It just made it worse. At that time, it seemed a good idea to relieve myself this way. It wasn't. It just made me angrier, knowing that I am too weak to fight it.

However, I did cri once. After the first round of Chemo, I lost my hair. My treasure. I used to have long, black hair. But in a few days, it was all gone. My shield, the one which has been protecting me from this cruel world, was gone. And so was my hope. It died when I looked in the mirror for the first time after I lost it. And then, I stopped crying immediatly.

Of course I was crushed. Of course I cried. It wasn't fair. It isn't fair. I strongly  believe in God, I pray every single  night, I respect my parents, so why ? What have I done to deserve that ?! But I do not care anymore. I accepted my faith. I know it seems crazy, but I am actually okay with the fact that I will be dead soon. This is a cruel world. I can only hope that I will be happier on the 'other side'.

I don't really have friends here. I am afraid to get atached knowing that soon I will not breath anymore. I don't want to leave anyone behind. I don't want anyone to be unhappy because of me. I don't want anyone to cry.  They have a life ahead of them, they can be happy. They must be happy. They have a chance. I don't. In some twisted way, it's okey. I was never really happy, I was never really loved. I never had real friends, so what is the point in living like that ?

They will get maried, they will have kids and they will die with someone on their side. I will die alone. But that's what I want. I want to die in peace, listenting to my favourite songs. It seems great to me. 

I wanted to be a judge. I really did. I wanted to have three dogs: Ron, Hermione and Harry. I am obsessed with Harry Potter, by they way. I wanted to study law at Yale. I was a really good student, I had a chance. I was supposed to become one of the most well known judge in U.S.A. But now, this possibility is gone. Gone.

I distanced myself from everyone and everything. No one knows why, though. I never told anyone I have cancer. I don't want nor need their pity. I am finby myself. The only people who know are my parents. Oh, have I mentioned that I bassicaly destroyed their marriage ? That they are fighting all the time now ?

I am sick. Big fucking deal. I don't understand why would they care. I was always the cold child, the one who read more than speak, the one who prefered to shut her mouth when everyone else was laughing. I never showed afection. No kisses, no hugs, no I love you's. That's why I don't believe in love. They loved me, but I still got cancer, they love each other but they still fight all the time, I love God but I will still die. There is no point in loving. 

Everyone leaves. At one point, some way or another, you will still be alone. You will cry, you will scream, you will wish you have never been born. So what is love ? Because I can't understand it. I truly can't.  But I guess it doesn't matter now. I have to little time to think about feelings. I just want to live these six months as hard as I can so I can die peacefully happy.

Suddenly, I can feel the headache creeping in. I know what that means. I have to go to the hospital. I will soon spit blood, and then I will be unconcius for two or three hours. I called cab, since I couldn't drive,and in a few minutes I arrive. I take a deap breath and enter the building I hate the most. The place where I was born, the place where I spend half of my life, the place where I will die. I guess I can just call it home, huh ?

A/N Heello. So, this chapter was kinda hard to write. I would really apreciate some feedback. Thaaank youu.

-Sonia xx