This Girl I Met

29

The next morning, after everybody left - no need to say Emily had left early in the night - I immediately go on my bed. My eyes are still a little bit red, and I shamefully blame myself for being so weak. I know alcohol was filling my blood tonight, and that my two best friends spent their time telling me it was okay, but I can't help but blame myself for this. 

The door is slammed open, and I see Allie's face turning white when she sees me. I know my friends probably have told her what happened, because she can be convincing when she wants to be, and she's the protective kind of sister. So she just lie down with me on the bed, looking at the ceiling. 

She sighs. 

"You know" she says in a sweet voice that doesn't seem like hers, very deep and concentrated ; "The first time I saw Bati, I knew he was the one. He looked like an gangsta boy with his cap put upside down, and his huge t-shirt. I remember thinking 'Gosh, he's such a weirdo'. When he sat down next to Tobin - because it was the only available spot in the classroom - and told her hi, I knew I'd fall in love with him. Just like that. And now, it's been that many years that I have accepted my feelings."

She stares at me, while I am trying not to cry again. She's told me this story so many times, and yet it feels so new. 

She goes on :

"I know it's not the same thing for you. I mean, she's a girl, and having a crush on a girl, when you're a girl, means defying everything you have believed in for your entire life. Fight people's judgments, what they might or might not say, and also your own feelings, because you probably don't want to fall for this person. So you just push everything away, keeping it in your stomach for all this time. But it will have to come out at one point. Because you can't handle a battle against yourself : yourself is the toughest opponent."

When she notices that a tear is running down my cheeks, she reaches to my hand, squeezing it to let me know which side she's on. 

Her speech continues : 

"I can't truly understand what you're going through, simply because I haven't experienced it myself. But when Tobin came out to her family and told Christen she loved her, I have seen my friend being freed of an unbelievable pressure and pain. And I want the same thing for you. Maybe you should just say it out loud, just once, just to see what it does. I can leave you alone if you want, but saying it could be a way to free yourself."

I look at the ceiling, while she is just turning her head again. I set my jaw, and swallow my tears back. I don't need to cry. 

I close my eyes. "I'm gay" I then whisper. 

"Louder" Allie says, squeezing my hand again. 

"I'm gay." I say in a clear voice. "I'm gay", I repeat, even louder. "I am gay, and I am in love with Emily Sonnett."

Allie softly laughs. 

"I'm so proud of you, Lindsey." she then says, hugging me tight. "I hope you know how proud of you I am. I love you."

The tears are falling like a deep flow right now, and I am not wiping them away. I can feel my chest being freed for a moment, and this moment lasts forever. I start laughing, and Allie just imitates me. 

I hug her tighter. 

"I love you too" I say, and my voice cracks. I start laughing. I don't even know why, but it's not something I can control. "Holy shit, thank you !" 

As a response, she only hugs me for twenty minutes. 

**   

Today is game day. 

I arrive early, to only find Ashley Sanchez, already putting her cleats on. I silently sit next to her, observing the door when Rachel and Cari come in. The brunette immediately comes and sits next to me, briefly kissing my cheeks. She usually doesn't do that, but she probably knows I need to feel her support right now. I smile at her, and she starts dressing up.

Less than ten minutes later, the room is filled with laughs, chats and dancing moves. This is why I love being around my teammates. It doesn't even matter to me who I sit next to, because I like everyone.

I know Emily will be avoiding me today, and probably for weeks. Because that's the kind of person she is. The fact that I have admitted that I was gay for her makes me want to kiss her even more. When I see her, sitting on her own, sometimes taking part of a conversation, and most of the time just focusing on tying her shoes, I find her even more attractive. I shake my head, not wanting to have a comment from the three people that know about what happened (aka Cari, Moe and Steph).

Andi, who usually is my locker buddy, looks at me in a weird way. I lift my eyes and see that she is smiling. 

"What is it, Sullivan ?" I ask.

She smirks. "Nothing. You just seem different." 

"Different ?" 

"Yeah. I mean, you have your mouth shut, which isn't your style." 

Before she can say anything else, I get up and start messing with her hair. She chases me all over the locker room, and we soon become the attraction. Our teammates are yelling our names, making bets on who will win the battle. We both end up on the ground, laughing our asses off, before eventually coming back to serious. 

I wrap my arm around her shoulders, and start making fun of her. She glares at me, but something else catches my attention. 

Emily has got a mark on her neck. Not the good kind of mark tho. She's been hit again, and this time I can't stay quiet about it. When she realizes I am my eyes locked on her neck, she immediately puts something on it and glares at me. She knows I'm not the kind of person to let go. She seems to be quite angry, but I can't tell if it's because I saw the mark or because she forgot to hide it. 

I grab my phone and write :

We will have this discussion, whether you want it or not.

When she feels her phone buzz on the bank, she immediately looks a the screen, before sighing and typing too. Less than one minute afterwards, my screen lightens and her name appears on it : 

Why can't you just let go ?

I smirk.

Because I said I'd fix you. 

Her answer just makes me angrier than I was before. 

You're the one that needs to be fixed, Lindsey. 

I hesitate for a while. I mean, is she even into me or something ? Maybe I made a fool of myself the other night. Maybe she just meant the whole relationship we established as a friendship, and nothing more. Maybe she even has a boyfriend, or a man she likes. Even with all those ideas travelling my brain, I can't help but hope. 

I look up at her after pressing 'send', raising my eyebrows. 

Fix me then. 

Her eyes go wide, and she immediately locks her screen because Mal, who is talking to her at the moment, is a curious person. While answering to the brunette, Emily just looks at me and shakes her head. 

This time, I just can't help but type : 

I will wait for you under the tree we used to sit when things got bad for you. 8 PM. If you don't show up, then I will stop bothering you, and you won't ever talk to me anymore. 

I put my phone into my bag and stand up, following Andi and Moe on the pitch. I can feel her look at her phone, and then stare at me during this whole process, but I don't look back. And even during the game, I keep my eyes away from her. 

She never answered the text.